If I have to smile at one more person I might throw up.
I waited for the church service to begin, an emotional mess from my son’s recent confession. He was still watching pornography.
A still small voice. You can do this.
“Good morning. How are you?” Smile. Nod. Laugh. Direct them to the coffee area. Repeat.
As a pastor’s wife, I’ve learned a fine line exists between authenticity and privacy. I didn’t want to appear phony, but I also didn’t want others knowing my personal business. Of course, my home life is less than perfect. That’s common knowledge. But I was emotionally raw, and sharing the news that my son watched pornography didn’t top the list of things to disclose to my closest friends, much less my church family.
I wanted to stay home. I wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to cry all day.
But I couldn’t. My husband needed me. My family needed me. And, yes, my church needed me. So I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, fixed my hair, got dressed, and drove to church. Out of obligation. Out of necessity.
But something happened while I was there.
I forgot.
I forgot I was miserable. I forgot my son was hurting and trapped. I forgot my life had been turned upside down.
My focus changed. For two hours I served others by setting up the welcome table, greeting guests, and reading the announcements. I shed a few tears during worship and listened attentively as my husband preached (as all good pastor’s wives do – ha!). And I forgot. I felt hope because I saw a glimmer of light in my dark world.
Stepping out of my own misery for a few hours, I experienced partial healing. Looking past my immediate circumstances nurtured my soul, my physical well-being, and ultimately, my relationship with my son.
A Focus Shift is Healthy
When we are weighed down by the enormity of our child’s troubles, when anxiety and depression threaten to swallow us, when we can’t seem to come up for air, we are tempted to lean into those emotions—to allow the desperation to overwhelm us, to paralyze us. Our bed calls to us. Our comforting habits (food, alcohol, shopping . . .) call to us. But we must resist.
I’m not saying ignore your problems. I’m not suggesting you pretend everything is okay. I’m not implying you spend months keeping busy to avoid your dilemma. (I’m also not saying you can’t miss a church service.) Rather, recognize your need for time away from the crisis. You need a reprieve, temporary relief from the sense of doom, from the overwhelming sense of responsibility toward your child. Walk away, find a sense of normalcy, and maybe . . . possibly . . . laugh.
Step outside. Look around. Change your scenery. Go to lunch with a friend. Serve at church or elsewhere. Participate in a COVID-friendly activity that brings you joy. The focus shift is healthy.
Refresh. Recharge. Rejuvenate through outside activity. Laugh.
When we temporarily walk away from our problems, we gain a new perspective. We catch a glimpse of hope. We remember there is life outside our own world. We see God’s glory in His creation, whether it’s through other people or the world around us. And, when we come back to our problem, when we step back into the parenting role, we can more accurately assess the issues and how to deal with them.
Importance of Self-Care
We parent better from a place of healing, from a place of wholeness. That begins by recognizing our need and prioritizing ourselves.
I recently spoke with Marilyn Evans at ParentsAware/Media Savvy Moms Podcast about the importance of self-care. We discussed how moms typically neglect their own well-being when a child needs their attention.
Next week, I will publish the show notes and link to the podcast. (Sign up for updates and watch your email!) You don’t want to miss it! We explore the different areas of our life and the importance of self-care within each area.
In the meantime, I encourage you to shift your focus periodically.
What activity brings you joy? Schedule a time this week to participate in that activity. Make it a priority.
Have you been avoiding church or some other regular activity because you haven’t felt up to it? Choose to attend this week. You might find the focus shift is healthy.
LIVE ONLINE EVENT
I’m excited to announce a LIVE ONLINE EVENT! Woot!! Marilyn Evans and I are hosting, My Child Was Exposed to Pornography: Now What? Saturday, February 27th, 11:00 am – 12:30 pm EST. I highly encourage attending this event and bringing your questions. It’s a chance to interact with moms who have been in the trenches with their children. For details and ticketing information, go to now-what-tickets.eventbrite.com. Tell your friends!
What brings you joy when you are feeling low? Comment here or send me an email.
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About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
This is such great reading Barb. Often we are so fixed on staring at the problem / situation that it becomes paralyzing to do anything else. Serving others and bearing their burden releases me to a freedom in moments I am feeling “stuck”
Thanks, Penny. I’ve been in that paralyzed state. So grateful when I’m nudged to get out of my crisis mode, physically or mentally, for a short reprieve. And there’s definitely something to serving others! Gives me a better perspective and hope that I can work through it. I appreciate your comments and support. 🙂