I’m excited to have Ashley Jameson of Pure Desire Ministries with us again. She has some practical advice for us on how to talk about sex with our children. This is part one in a two-part series.
As the mother of four kids, I recognize the fear and hesitation that exists when talking with your kids about sex. But here’s the truth: one way or another, your kids WILL learn about sex. The question to ask yourself is, “From where, or what, do you want them to learn?”
My twin boys are now almost 20 years old. I know…scary, right?
If it’s not the media or friends saturating them with sexuality, then it’s their own brain! Whether we like it or not, our kids are sexual beings.
Instead of asking parents if they’ve had the “talk” with their kids, we should focus on the environment we create for our kids––an environment where they can talk about anything, at anytime, without fear.
When our kids come to us with a question and we respond with a gasp, scold, or change the subject, they learn that their parents are not safe. They will look somewhere else for answers. While we can all agree that it can be awkward in the beginning, the more you have these conversations—embracing the topic of sex and healthy sexuality—the easier it becomes.
Being open and gracious will reinforce that you are a safe person to talk with about sex.
When I understand the benefit of doing something, it makes it easier for me to do, even when it’s difficult. When my kids ask me a question, there have been times when it made me blush. As much as I would like to say, “We can talk about it later,” I know that if I don’t give them an answer, they will just ask their friends or search for answers on the Internet; and we ALL know that would lead to further discussions that would make me blush.
My husband and I have been successful with a few strategies that help keep open the revolving door of conversation.
Share OUR Story
When talking with our kids, we incorporate as much of our story as possible. For example, when my son shared about a girl at his school, who acts flirty and desperate, I was able to share about how I acted when I was his age. I told him that I remember acting flirty because I was so desperate to feel loved.
The more I can normalize what’s going on in their world, the more I can show them that I understand because I’ve been there.
If you haven’t conquered your own shame or the negative sexual experiences of your past, it will be challenging to be open with your kids. I had to dig out all my past junk and work out my own healing before feeling confident enough to share it with them. I had to BELIEVE that Christ redeemed me and loves me unconditionally. Only then could I model sexual health for my kids.
Ask about their world, WITHOUT lecturing
Ask your kids what they hear and see at school. Briefly share some of the stories from when you were in school. If they begin sharing with you, just listen. This is NOT the time to lecture. Listen. When you create a safe environment, they will want connection. They will seek you out—offer information and share with you about their life—especially at 10 o’clock at night.
Teens LOVE to talk late at night. So, get your coffee and be a listening ear when they want to talk.
When you build relationship with your kids, this is what happens: When my son was 14, he came to me with questions about a girl in his class who thought she was pregnant. In the moment, I knew I needed to ask my son several questions—questions that would allow me to gain insight into HIS thinking. “Why do you think she feels like she needs to be with all of those boys? I remember longing for attention and being willing to do anything to feel wanted. I felt so lonely as a young girl. I wonder if she feels that way too? I hope she knows how much Jesus loves her no matter what she does.”
I told my son that I felt sorry for what the girl was going through. I encouraged him to make sure he was treating her with kindness and to avoid gossiping about her. I’m always surprised by his insight and perspective, especially as to the reasons behind destructive behavior. However, I wouldn’t know that if I dominated the conversation with my parental wisdom.
"Instead of asking parents if they’ve had the “talk” with their kids, we should focus on the environment we create for our kids––an environment where they can talk about anything, at anytime, without fear." Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex,… Share on XTalk About Sex
Once the conversation is going, I can remind him that sex is one of God’s gifts to us, but that it can bring so much heartache outside of the context of marriage. Sex can even bring heartache IN a marriage if it is hijacked by selfishness.
Responding out of fear and shortening his leash because of his age or what’s happening in his world, would only shut down communication. If we want our kids to learn how to be in relationship and have open, honest communication, we have to be willing to be vulnerable. We have to be safe for our kids. This way, they learn that they can share anything and everything with us—the good and the bad.
Being vulnerable with our own stories, and creating a culture of grace, is the goal. It can be hard to know how to make that shift if it’s not something you have been intentional about. In my next blog, we will explore practical ways to create a safe environment in our home.
Ashley will be back with us next month to finish her Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex series. If you found this post helpful, please share it and subscribe to Hopeful Mom.
About the author
Ashley Jameson
Ashley is the Associate Director of Women's Groups for Pure Desire. She is a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional (PSAP) through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) and has been trained in the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model (MPTM) through The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). She helps churches around the world develop sexual integrity groups. Ashley oversees all women Regional Group Advisors (RGAs) and is involved in training men and women to facilitate recovery and support groups. She is a speaker and a contributing author to Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships.
One Reply to “Kids, Let’s Talk About Sex, Part 1”