shame Archives - HOPEFUL MOM

June 17, 2024June 18, 2024

Friend or Fan? Dawg or Dog? Which Are You?

I met Ken Anderson a few months ago and instantly knew he was a good guy and would be a great friend—one like he describes in this post. He has a heart for college students who struggle with pornography and has a fabulous program to help them. In this post, Ken helps us parents understand the difference between a dawg (true friend) and a dog (more of a fan). As parents, we want to lean toward being a true friend to our children, rather than a fan. Great words of wisdom.

Pepper is her name and pooping anywhere other than outside is her game. At least that’s been the case lately. I love our 4-year-old pit mix. I, and I alone. (My wife Liz is pretty much out on her.) She’s spunky, cute, funny, and always down to cuddle while I’m watching a show or reading a good book. (I’m still talking about Pepper, just to clarify; although, many of these adjectives also describe Liz). But, she’s also a good ol’ fashioned stinker. She steals food when we aren’t looking, sneaks in licks of our toddler whenever she can (he hates it, and screams), and mischievously takes off with any and all items that aren’t hers and chews them up without any regard for the owner of said item.

April 3, 2023March 28, 2023

Mom, I See You

As a young mom, I wrestled with thoughts that I wasn’t enough. I didn’t purchase the right clothes or decipher my children’s needs correctly. I wasn’t contributing to the household income or spending enough time raising my children. The meals were inadequate and the house wasn’t clean. If I sat with the children to play a game, supper was late. If I spent too much time reading to them, they may not learn necessary life skills. The never-ending tug and pull in my mind. Can you relate? Mom, I see you.

March 20, 2023March 22, 2023

Training Wheel Consequences and Alternate Behavior Changes

Nick and I talked a few months ago about his app, Relay. He and his team designed this fairly-new app to help those trapped in pornography’s grip by teaming people up into support groups. I recommend you check it out. Nick’s enthusiasm and passion are contagious, so I’m thrilled that he agreed to write this post about training wheel consequences for you.

One reason raising children is so hard is that they often don’t internalize the link between cause and consequence. They don’t like their stomach to hurt, yet they still eat half their Halloween candy in one sitting. They don’t like to get sunburned, but they won’t let you lather sunscreen on before they run out to play. Because children have a hard time understanding the true impact of their actions, parents often create what I call “training wheel consequences”; let’s examine these consequences and consider how we can reframe them, particularly in the context of pornography habits, to help children make lasting behavioral change.

January 9, 2023January 1, 2023

3 Reasons Children Fear Talking to Parents About Porn

In October I spoke at the SHE Recovery Virtual Summit, an online conference for females who have struggled with pornography. During the summit, I ran a poll asking attendees this question:

Girls, what’s the biggest fear that keeps you (or kept you) from telling your parents about your pornography problem?

February 28, 2022October 16, 2023

Four Steps for Parents to Heal from Shame

Our children feel shame when they watch pornography. But do we, as parents, experience shame? I certainly did.

My friend and I sat at my kitchen table drinking coffee.

She took a sip of her coffee and set her cup on the table. “Your children are amazing. You’ve done such a great job raising them.”

Our children were in the backyard hanging out. This fellow homeschool mom and I were close. Shortly after meeting, we quickly knew about each other’s extended family and history. Whenever we got together, the conversation flowed freely from one topic to another without pause. We laughed together and felt each other’s pain when issues surfaced. I was comfortable when I was around her. But I kept a part of my life hidden.

November 15, 2021November 15, 2021

Responding to Porn Use: Love, Not Shame

I grew up thinking people who watched pornography were shady characters. They were the ones slipping in the back door of the video store—the creepy people who couldn’t control their urges. I’m not sure where these thoughts came from, but I’m not alone. The culture is changing, but until a few years ago this picture was a good representation of how most of society saw the use of pornography, especially those who watched alone.

This stigma contributes to our regretful feedback as parents when we learn of our child’s relationship with pornography.

February 16, 2019February 16, 2019

Porn Users Feel Shame

I’d like to share a link to an article I read, entitled True Story: My Struggle With Shame Fueled My Struggle With Porn. The organization that published the article, Fight the New Drug, is committed to informing the public about the effects of pornography. This article is written by an 18 year old who struggled with pornography for 6 years. I like the article because his story is relatable and real. As a parent, it is helpful to hear another teenager’s perspective–his struggles and feelings.