In October I spoke at the SHE Recovery Virtual Summit, an online conference for females who have struggled with pornography. During the summit, I ran a poll asking attendees this question:
Girls, what’s the biggest fear that keeps you (or kept you) from telling your parents about your pornography problem?
Most of the answers fell into three categories: shame, disappointment, and judgment.
Parents, grandparents, and leaders need to understand why children fear disclosing their behavior. When we comprehend the emotional anguish feeding into their silence, we can guide them better.
Shame
“Sex in general was shameful and not something you could talk about.” – one respondent
People stuck in the cycle of watching pornography, committing to stop, and then slipping back into the behavior (because porn is alluring and addictive), experience shame, a negative emotion caused by guilt.[i] They understand their behavior is wrong, and when they are unable to willfully stop, their shame intensifies.
Sometimes, when parents learn their children are participating in unhealthy behaviors, they unintentionally shame their children. Their words, attitudes, and actions reveal they are either ashamed of themselves or their children. And the shame the child already feels is reinforced. If our children anticipate this type of reaction, they will stay quiet, continuing to bear the weight of their problem alone.
3 Reasons Children Fear Talking to Parents About Porn – Barb of Hopeful Mom asked girls: What's the biggest fear keeping you from talking with your parents about porn? The answers fell into three categories. #hopefulmom… Share on XDisappointment
“I thought they would think I’m a terrible person and wouldn’t know what to do with me.” – one respondent
Let’s face it, parents can be disappointed in their children. It’s a reasonable emotion. We have expectations and our child falls short. We’re disappointed and fear that they’re stuck in this negative behavior.
Wanting to satisfy parents’ hopes and expectations is natural, even noble. But the problem arises when children shield parents from disappointment by deceiving them into believing all is well.
Judgment
“I witnessed them discussing pornography and using words like disgusting, vile, scum.” – one respondent
Wow. This particular response hit me hard. Of course children are reluctant to confess to behaviors their parents have referred to with such negative terms and attitudes.
We don’t need to scroll on social media longer than a few minutes to realize we are, in general, a people of opinions and judgments. And I am no exception. I believed people who viewed pornography on a regular basis were unintelligent and shady characters. However, I changed my perspective. Anyone can be swept up in the porn industry’s grasp.
Changing the Atmosphere
“It’s just weird to talk to your parents about that.” – one respondent
The girls who responded to the poll were afraid their parents would be disappointed in them or judge them for their behaviors. Their fear of disappointing their parents or being judged by them stopped them from speaking up. Another fear was shame. They either felt too much shame to divulge their behavior or had witnessed their parents shame others for watching pornography. Therefore, the respondents assumed their parents would have the same attitude toward them and their behaviors if they confessed.
Our job is to change the atmosphere within our homes. Here are some suggestions.
- Watch tone, words, and attitude. Every person is special and unique. Make an effort to show love and compassion for each individual, regardless of their circumstances or way of life.
- Focus on behavior, not the person. Say, “Watching pornography is an unhealthy choice,” rather than, “A person who watches pornography is a monster.”
- Allow children to fail. Humans err and choose unwisely at times. Rather than stand over them in a judgmental fashion, stoop next to them and offer to help them get back up.
- Talk about the awkward subjects. When we broach the tough topics, our children will know that no subject matter is too difficult to talk about.
- Be vulnerable. Tell stories of poor choices you’ve made in the past and the outcomes, positive and negative.
- Be available. Interact with your child daily. Look them in the eye, ask open-ended questions, and express interest in their life. When we press pause on the busyness and listen to our children, they are more apt to trust us when their life takes a turn for the worse.
Pretending harmful things don’t exist won’t keep our children safe. I know it’s awkward to discuss sex, sexuality, online grooming, pornography, and everything in between, but it’s our responsibility to protect our children and be their secure place. Let’s bring what’s lurking in the darkness to the light. You can do it!
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[i] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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