4 Golden Nuggets for Hurting Parents

Dena Yohe is with us again to give hurting parents some advice. I am so grateful to call her friend. Dena walked through struggles with her daughter when she was a teen and now helps other parents who find themselves in the same position. She and her husband run support groups and have authored several books, including Dena’s latest book, Strength for the Brokenhearted: A 31 Day Devotional for Hurting Parents. She has some golden nuggets for us.

When we began our journey of parenting a troubled child, my husband and I were clueless. An endless amount of information was available on how to raise great kids, but we found little help when it came to dealing with more serious issues. We needed help because we had no idea what to do. Similar to panning for gold in a river, we found some valuable insights over the years. Here are four golden nuggets we discovered.

1. Prioritize Relationships

On the journey with our adult daughter, we needed to be clear that there would never be a time when she would take higher priority than our marriage. We were a couple before we had children and would be together long after they were no longer with us. Therefore, we need to be careful not to neglect our relationship.

Other key relationships impacted are their siblings. We didn’t want our other children to be adversely affected by the turmoil she caused. We also didn’t want them to think too badly about her. The analogy of a broken bone worked well.

Broken bones need more care and attention than the rest of the body, but in time, they mend. Likewise, their sister needed more time and attention to heal. That didn’t mean they were any less important or valuable. While she received more attention at the time, we assured them it was temporary. We loved them just as much as we loved their sister.

It’s also wise to make the effort not to miss their significant events and plan special times to be with them. These demonstrations help reassure them that they are not invisible. Many suffer along with us, especially if they’re still in the home. They need to be heard and have the freedom to say whatever they need to process. If ignored, they may become bitter and resentful, causing bigger problems in the future.

2. Triage the Calendar

Being hurting parents of a struggling child is hard and not for the faint of heart. Great amounts of energy and resources are demanded: mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual. Exhausted, we don’t have much left to offer anyone. Work performance suffers, and friends wonder what happened to us. We need to triage our calendar, like a paramedic assesses a health crisis. After we took a closer look at our commitments, we decided to scale back. What could we stop doing or step away from, at least for a season? These are difficult decisions.

After some discussion, we took a leave of absence from volunteering and cancelled most social commitments. Next, we made time for activities that refreshed us. Create a list, then make time to do at least one item each week. We need this for our well-being.

3. Create Strong Boundaries

Dealing with a difficult teen or adult child is full of confusion. We need strong boundaries. When we do, hard decisions become clearer. We know what we will and will not do; what we will and won’t tolerate. We need to be a united front, or they will focus on the weaker parent and drive a wedge between us, making matters worse.

Deciding in advance on the boundaries we need, communicating them clearly, and then keeping them is essential. Consistency is the key.

Is this hard? Yes, but when your child knows what you expect and what the consequences will be if they decide not to comply, it is a tremendous help. Many years later, our daughter wrote this statement in my book, You Are Not Alone:

“The hardest things we choose out of love give the deepest, most profound gifts to our souls. So don’t be afraid to have and keep your boundaries. By far one of the most loving things my parents did was to set clear, strong boundaries with me.”

My daughter was right—love is what motivates us to create boundaries and keep them.

Parenting a troubled child and feeling lost? You're not alone. DenaYohe shares 4 golden nuggets every hurting parent needs — including why boundaries are one of the most loving things you can do. 4 Golden Nuggets for Hurting Parents… Share on X

4. Connect with Community

As hurting parents, it’s easy to let guilt, shame, and embarrassment isolate us. Insecure, we blame ourselves for the situation. “I must be a bad parent.” “What did I do wrong? Is this my fault?” “Good parents don’t experience what I’m going through.” These are lies, and they keep us from getting healthy ourselves. As a result, we tend to withdraw and stay alone. Unhealthy isolation pushes us inward when what we need is the help of others, but not just anyone.

Sometimes friends and family … even in our churches … tend to imply if only we had been better parents, none of this would have happened. Their attitude hurts and becomes an excuse to disengage. But the good news is that we are not alone. Many hurting parents can relate to our pain. They’re more than willing to come alongside us with empathy, a listening ear, and compassionate hearts.

Support groups are a great place to find the healing community we need. We can feel safe enough to share with honesty and not be judged.

We believe we were created for community, to live life together. Our Creator intended for us to give and receive help from one another in our times of need; to bear one another’s burdens and pray for one another. Please find a support group for hurting parents and commit to attending regularly. This is where we found strength and deep healing. Our website has a list of our faith-based groups, both in-person and online. Other groups are also listed on our resources page.

Dear God, thank You for understanding my needs. Show me which of these 4 golden nuggets I need. Then help me apply them to my life. Move me to reach out and connect with a healing community. Give me the courage and strength I need. In Jesus’ name. Amen. 

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