After learning of my son’s transgressions with porn, I analyzed every angle I could about his issue. The one question I kept asking was “Why?” Of course, there was the obvious. He’s a curious teenage boy with out-of-control hormones. But that only answered the question of why he initially sought porn. The question of what triggered his continuous use still seemed elusive.
Eventually, I learned about the brain science behind addictions and how easy it is to get hooked on pornography. When David was ready to seriously combat his porn addiction and stay clean, I asked him lots of questions. I was especially curious about his triggers. Why did he go back to porn? What initiated the desire?
I’m Bored!
The trigger he mentioned most often was boredom. I honestly didn’t believe him when he first told me. I assumed it was a lie because he didn’t want me to know the real, deeper, reason. Boredom seemed too simplistic, too easy of an answer.
But then I discovered “boredom” is one of the top reasons porn users cite as a trigger. Boredom leads to porn use. Being bored is an enemy to addicts. With time on their hands and nothing to do, their minds wander, and soon enough the lure of porn draws them in. It’s too tempting to resist.
In a blog post on Fight the New Drug’s website, they state, “It is widely noted that Millennials and Gen Z’ers are plagued with boredom in a way previous generations were not.”[i] The twist is they are bored because they have too many options. They are on information overload. “Options, stimuli, variety, and newness bombard us from our smartphones and laptops.”[ii] These options cause the opposite effect of their intentions.
“The evidence is everywhere that a sea of options only makes us restless and unfulfilled. Millennials and Gen Z’ers are more likely to be perpetually bored with life in general, despite having more access to activity and stimulation than in any previous era.”[iii] This generation doesn’t know how to cope with idleness, so porn consumers turn to porn. “The irony here is that porn doesn’t actually relieve tension, satisfy boredom, or fulfill an angsty mind. In fact, it can lead to further isolation, restlessness, and depression. Basically, porn makes the boredom plague worse.”[iv]
My spin is that these generations haven’t learned contentment in the silence. They don’t know how to be still. I’ve noticed it in my own life as technology has taken over. If I have a few minutes of down time, I’m liable to fill it with noise—a TV program or scrolling through social media. It’s no wonder our kiddos can’t sit still. It’s no wonder boredom leads to porn use.
Coping with Boredom
So how do we help our children cope with boredom?
It’s not enough to simply say, “Don’t watch porn.” We must help them replace their habitual behavior with something new.
For the first several months of David’s recovery program, I fretted every time he had free time. We intentionally filled every minute of his day. We made a list of activities he could turn to if he felt the urge to watch porn because he was bored. Homework. Chores. Ride your bike.
David enjoys other people, so many of the items on the list included interacting with others, like playing a game or watching a comedy show together. He enjoyed working out with the family and was part of a local track team. He also pursued some new interests.
At first it was only a matter of solving the “I’m bored” issue, but after a while, I thought we should resolve the underlying issue, the inability to be alone or quiet without the incessant need to be “doing” something.
Our brain gets used to the constant stimulation, so we need to re-program it to be satisfied in stillness. We have to deliberately choose to stop, take some deep breaths, and slow down. At first it is awkward and difficult, but with practice, we can train our bodies to relax and our brains to calm down. I’m speaking to us parents, too. Our children are more likely to take our suggestions seriously if we put our phones down.
Connection and Contentment
If boredom leads to porn use, how can we flip the script?
One of the objectives is to connect with real people while engaging in lighthearted activities or through deep conversation. It’s easier to draw some kiddos out of their bedrooms than others, but it’s important for them to learn how to communicate face-to-face. Elicit your child(ren)’s help brainstorming some non-screen activities your family could do together. Do a search for conversation starters, and ask a different question at supper every night. Be creative.
Another objective is for our children to be content with boredom. Our body craves rest mentally and physically. It’s healthier when we allow it to unwind. Take a slow walk. Help your child learn to sit quietly. Read a book. If they are a believer, help them find Scripture to memorize. Pray.
Overcoming the desire to run to porn when they are bored will take long-term planning and consistency. Be patient with your child as they change their habits. Be available and be encouraging.
As always, I want to encourage you. You are not alone in this battle. Others have gone before you. We are here to give you hope. Do you have any suggestions on how to help combat the boredom issue? Have you implemented any techniques you are willing to share? Do you have any questions regarding this subject?
This important topic needs talked about. Will you share this post on your social media account? Be sure to connect with me on Facebook and subscribe for updates to receive a FREE resource: 7 ACTIONS WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS SEEN PORN. Thank you!
[i] “Porn Sites Have Endless Options, So Why Are Millennials and Zoomers Sexually Bored?,” Fight the New Drug, August 21, 2020, https://fightthenewdrug.org/millennials-and-gen-z-are-the-most-bored-generations-ever-is-online-porn-making-it-worse/?utm_source=the_movement.
[ii] Ibid.
[iii] Ibid.
[iv] Ibid.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
Beautiful post, Barb. Brilliantly done.
Thank you, Melody.