I felt my back pocket. It wasn’t there.
I looked in my purse. It wasn’t there.
I looked in the console of the van. It wasn’t there either.
I had left my phone at home. Ugh! My heart raced a little at the thought.
What was the big deal? I would only be gone 15 minutes. My kids were old enough to take care of themselves. Any question that came up could wait 15 minutes.
I thought back. This wasn’t the first time I felt a slight panic because I forgot my phone. This same uneasiness happened quite a bit in the past year or so. Usually I was diligent about taking my phone with me everywhere, even on a quick walk around the block; but, if I happened to leave it behind, I felt unnerved. It seemed irrational.
That’s when I realized why I was alarmed. The day I learned of my son’s relationship with pornography my husband and I were on a walk, and neither one of us took our phones. My son tried calling us both several times, and we weren’t available for him. I can still visualize the missed call notice on my phone. Since then I ritualistically took my phone on every walk, double-checking before I shut the door and circling back if I noticed I didn’t have it.
Subconsciously I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my son hanging again–unable to reach me if an emergency situation arose, like that fateful day he stood on our front lawn in hysterics because he thought the police were coming any minute to arrest him.
A Trigger
Noticing my phone wasn’t close to me was a trigger, a reminder that I had not been available when my son needed me most. There are other triggers, words or actions that bring up memories or remind me of our family’s predicament–that everything isn’t as it should be. But I hadn’t been aware of this one until now.
We all have triggers, some outside stimuli that causes a specific reaction or response.
Our children have triggers. One of my first goals was to identify what triggered my son’s desire to watch pornography. We asked him to pinpoint his environment when the thoughts arose.
- Was he happy?
- Was he angry?
- Was he in a particular room?
- Was it a particular time of day?
- Was he stressed?
- Was he bored?
We asked him to pay attention so we could help him combat the thoughts.
After we identified two or three triggers, we went to work. We asked my son to change some of his behaviors, offered him advice and worked through the difficult parts with him. To fight some triggers, both my son and I had to change part of our daily routine. I updated some house rules to allow for his new routine. He said it helped.
The day I pinpointed the reason my body reacted negatively because my phone was missing, I rejoiced. It was the first step to being free of the unsettling feelings and negative memories that surfaced by simply leaving my phone behind. Answering my son’s call and reaching him faster would not have stopped the years leading up to that moment. Or the years of battle and healing since then.
A few days later I took a walk. I left my phone at home. On purpose. Then I went to the store. I left my phone at home. On purpose. And everyone was okay.
Do you notice triggers in your own life, some outside stimuli you react to? How about in your child’s life? Let me encourage you to identify the triggers and deal with them head on.
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About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.
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