When my teenage son first disclosed he was watching pornography, I was shocked–partly because he was my “good” child. Of my four children, he was the only one who had not lied to me or deceived me (so I thought). He was the child that expressed himself well, constantly communicating his thoughts. Plus, he was fascinated with legal behaviors vs. illegal behaviors. We chatted regularly about the letter of the law versus morals and biblical values. He walked next to the line (as most children do), but didn’t step over it. And when he did, he quickly corrected his error. He was sociable, amiable, and charming, so when he repeatedly asked for something, I usually succumbed to his requests. Stay up a little later? Sure. Eat an extra piece of candy? Yep. Who can resist a cute, innocent smile?
Betrayal and Lying
I trusted my son fully. We had a great relationship. So his confession felt like deep betrayal. I was stunned that he had been watching pornography. But I was flabbergasted that he had lied to me and deceived me. I know it’s irrational, but I felt like a sucker–like I’d been played. Unfortunately, these feelings were already familiar to me. Trust is not something I simply tossed around to anyone and everyone because I had been betrayed before. So I felt stupid for loving so intensely and trusting so completely. Stupid for not seeing this coming, not knowing what was going on in my own home.
Reality
This may come as a shock to you, Mom or Dad, but we really don’t have eyes in the back of our heads. We don’t always intuitively sense when our children are hiding something. Some are better at it than others.
Are there precautions I could have taken to possibly prevent the severity of the situation? Yes. Looking back I see my naiveté. I didn’t think my boys would allow their curiosities to get the best of them, so I didn’t put filters on their computers. I didn’t know the small handheld device my son acquired from his older brother connected to the internet. However, I cannot berate myself over the past. I parented to the best of my ability at the time, and given this new information, I have made adjustments. And I see that as a win, a step in the right direction.
Gaining Trust
Do I trust him as fully as I did? Sadly, no. I still feel the effects of his betrayal and lying. I struggle with the balance of trust vs. reality (many addicts relapse). Because he previously deceived me, I don’t allow myself to believe every word he says, but I am slowly being won over.
My son deliberately takes steps to prove his trustworthiness to me. He humbly accepts that part of our new relationship is answering pointed questions regularly. He speaks kindly and reassures me when necessary. For my part, I try to see my son in his entirety. Not all bad. Not all good. Not as an addict. Not as flawless. Human. He is an amazing child of God who struggles with an addictive behavior. And I am his mom, also a child of God who struggles, as most of us do.
So I treat him as I do the rest of my kiddos. I help him with his homework. I listen to his music. I laugh at his jokes. I celebrate his life.
What’s your story? Do you feel the effects of betrayal and lying from one of your children? I’d like to hear from you. Comment anonymously if you prefer. Or send me a private message through the contact page. Also be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a single blog post.
About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.
This could honestly be a page from my journal. He was the one I have always been closest to. He had evidence of the Spirit. A good youth-group loving, respectful, even as a teen. We had always talked so openly and honestly. But now at 16 this has had a hold on him for a year at least and I didn’t know. I have no anger. Just heartbroken, for him, and us. Thankful for you sharing your story and wisdom. God is greater and I am risking trust that He will win this battle for my son’s heart.
Lizzy, Thanks for sharing your heart. It’s heart-wrenching to learn of a child’s indiscretions, especially when we trusted them. But his story is not over, and neither is yours. Sending virtual hugs.