“We must—we must—we must increase our bust!” I grew up reading Judy Blume books. This line from Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret is part of my permanent memory. In the book, Margaret learned a lot about herself and hit puberty in the span of 192 pages. She and her friends were determined to look like the girls they saw in Playboy. They vow to do exercises to increase their bust size while chanting this memorable mantra. Throughout the book they each acquire bras and come of age by finally getting their period.
I learned a lot from Judy Blume while coming of age myself.
Judy Blume taught me about getting a period, masturbation, and sexual intercourse. I learned about flirting, relationships, and breakups by reading Deenie and Forever. I still remember Deenie trying her back brace on for the first time and Katherine and Michael’s first attempt at making love in Forever. I also remember how their relationship didn’t last forever. Instead, they broke up by the end of the book.
I read these books because I was curious.
Curiosity is normal and natural. I still go throughout my day wondering why my husband put his shoes there or why a neighbor planted that particular tree in their yard. If I spend a few minutes asking questions and clarifying responses, I learn a lot and build deeper relationships.
Many parents answer the “Why?” question all day long. From the time they can speak, children ponder why rules exist or why items work the way they do. Some sound like a firing squad, spatting “Why?” at us so often we can’t wait until they fall asleep. Others quietly consider the whys of life and how the world functions. Mostly, we do our best to answer their questions and help them understand the ins and outs of life.
So why are we surprised when preteens and teens are curious about sex, sexuality, and how bodies function? Human beings have emotions and chemical reactions causing us to be attracted to and desire others. Again, normal and natural. Of course, they want to understand why and figure out how to respond to these feelings.
The average age of first exposure to pornography is between 8 and 12 years old. Most stumble across it accidentally, but many find it because they’re curious. And, of course, they do what most of us do when we have a question. They look for answers. My generation had Judy Blume. They have Google.
Why are we surprised when our kids are curious about sex? We had questions, too. Unfortunately, porn lurks online waiting for them to type the correct combination of words. Judy Blume Answered Our Questions, Google Answers Theirs… Share on XThey’ve observed us using that online search box so many times, their automatic response to the “Why?” question is to Google the answer.
What do breasts look like? Google it.
What does sex feel like? Look it up.
Where do babies come from? Why do people have sex? What’s masturbation? Is touching myself normal? What does ____ look like? Is this ____ behavior normal? The list goes on.
I was shocked to learn my son had seen pornography. But in hindsight, it’s not so shocking. Porn lurks online waiting for a child to type the correct combination of words. Then it jumps onto their computer screen. When a child wants an answer to their innocent questions and asks Google before running to mom or dad, porn is there to satisfy their curiosity . . . and then some.
Rather than assume our children wouldn’t dare look it up (or hang out with friends who would show them), let’s be prepared. We can protect our households by adding filters to our Wi-Fi and devices and using parental controls. We can also prepare our children by bringing up these topics and answering their questions honestly and directly. Be their walking encyclopedia, and caution them about running to Google for anything and everything.
And when they do see pornography, respond in love. Be available. Listen. And help them process their feelings.
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About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
Great awareness post, Barb. We as parents are caught off guard when we forget the access our children have.
Thank you, Debbie. Yes, we can be caught off guard. Understanding our children’s motives and accessibility helps us be more prepared.
Thanks for reading and commenting!