Porn Addiction Consequences from One Who’s Been There

I’m grateful to introduce you to Cody Moen. Cody’s story, his childhood and how his porn addiction affected his life, is touching. I love his descriptions, his authenticity and his desire to help parents and trusted adults understand the importance of talking about healthy relationships with their children. Be sure to read to the end for a resource he is passionate about.

I wish…

It’s a common phrase filled with all sorts of meaning depending on the context. Sometimes it’s said wistfully, wishing you were at the beach instead of the office. Other times in anger as someone cuts you off in traffic, wishing you could exact righteous wrath. In some cases, it’s said in sorrow and grief. In my case, it’s the latter circumstance that I say, “I wish…”

I wish there were a lot of things that were different in my childhood. I wish my parents didn’t divorce. I wish my mom and dad were involved and interested in my life. I wish they had talked to me about life in all its banality and beauty. I wish they talked to me about relationships and marriage, especially since they had a divorce.

Instead, I was left to my own devices. I had to learn how to navigate the world largely on my own. I wasn’t physically, emotionally, or verbally abused. I wasn’t the target of hatred or malice or evil. I was provided with food, clothes, a roof, schooling, and so forth. But was there connection? Was there a relationship with either my mom or dad? Was there any involvement, even curiosity, as I grew up? Perhaps growing up in a disengaged family is a form of abuse that manifests itself as neglect, but I don’t consider myself “abused.” I wish that I didn’t go through what I did though.

I wish that I had some involvement in my life, some instruction and guidance that could’ve saved me from a lot of heartache. That’s not reality, however. And as much as I can say, “I wish,” that won’t change anything that has happened. There are more scars than there are words I’m allotted for this post, so I will focus on one scar which I hope will save you, dear reader, from saying, “I wish…”

Porn Addiction

I didn’t grow up in a Christian family, so maybe that contributed to my mother’s “boys will be boys” attitude towards my porn use. It started sometime in the 8^th or 9^th grade and porn became a cheap substitute for the intimacy that I didn’t receive in my family. At the time I had no negative feelings towards it, much less knowledge that I had a porn addiction. It was just something that I, and a number of my peers, watched. For years I used porn to medicate boredom, stress, and loneliness. And boredom, stress, and loneliness became prominent features of my life when I got out of the military.

When I came back stateside from overseas, I was depressed, shocked, and in turmoil. My identity was shattered, and I was a wreck. So, I went to what I knew would help with the pain: porn. This was soon coupled with premarital sex when I started dating a woman in college. We both had similar emotional health (disastrous) and were looking for comfort from something (not someone). Our backgrounds, values, and beliefs were completely different, but we both knew pain, and misery loves company. In hindsight, she was emotionally abusive and manipulative towards me and sex with her only became an extension of my porn addiction.

Consequences

Sin has consequences which sometimes manifests itself quickly and other times later on in life. In my case it was around six weeks. My stepmom called late at night to tell me my dad was in a serious car accident. I was eight hours away from them, but I resolved to drive through the night back home. My girlfriend came with me, and when we finally arrived early in the morning, he was at the hospital in a stable condition. The relief was immense, but the stress was still high. Added to the drive and lack of sleep, I was in emotional pain. Sex was an extension of my porn addiction, and I sought comfort from my pain.

Six weeks later we found out she was pregnant. Talk about an earthquake only two people in a city of thousands felt. It was all at once awesome (in the true meaning of the word), joyous, and shocking. I was going to be a dad! A dad. Woah. I was going to have a child? Woah. I’m going to have a child? It was a wonderful experience of emotions as my world shifted underneath my feet.

Then the questions of how were two college students going to take care of a child came up. Our differing backgrounds, value systems, and beliefs came front and center: I saying we can take care of the child and she saying she’s going to have an abortion.

The world shifted again underneath my feet.

Sin has consequences. Sometimes those consequences are quick. Other times it takes a while to see them. If pain itself could speak, I heard it on the phone call after the procedure.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to put it into words. The loss. The emptiness. Shame. Forlorn. Agony. The feeling of failure from not being able to protect your child. The feeling of responsibility for having brought life into the world and not bearing it. The feeling of shame for my role and her role.

It’s been four years since the abortion, yet the scar is only newly healed. Perhaps things would have turned out differently had my parents talked to me more about relationships, sex, the dangers of porn addiction, etc., but that is only wishful thinking. The reality is that they didn’t, and only after experiencing all that pain did I learn.

I pray that you, dear reader, will be courageous enough to talk to your own children about relationships, sex, the dangers of porn, hookup culture, and life in all its banality and beauty. I pray that you will do what you can to save yourself and your children from having this scar. If you don’t know where to start, then I recommend Barb Winters book, Sexpectations, as a starting point.

I pray also that if you have experienced this pain, you will believe and trust that you are forgiven. There is no sin that Jesus Christ hasn’t bore on the Cross—even your abortions—that isn’t forgiven. All sins have been paid for by His blood. God forgives you and wants you to come to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms (Luke 15:11-32).

If you’re looking for help and healing after an abortion you can start your path here: https://supportafterabortion.com/

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About the author

Cody Moen

Group Support Director at Restoring Hearts Counseling | Website | + posts

Cody Moen lives in Northern Alabama and works part-time as the Group Support Director at Restoring Hearts Counseling. He is currently in the process of certification from the Freedom Fight to be a Sex Addiction Discipleship Leader and pursuing a graduate certificate in Sexual Addictions Treatment Provider from MidAmerica Nazarene University. He is married to a wonderful woman from church, enjoys reading, writing, and running long distances.

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