Sexpectations Book Launch Day and Hopeful Mom’s Birthday
Cue the confetti. Sound the trumpets. Let’s celebrate!
Hopeful Mom is 5 years old.
This is the 100th blog post.
AND . . . Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships releases today.
That’s enough to get up and dance.
When I started Hopeful Mom (originally called Difficult Conversations) five years ago, I didn’t know the impact it would have. All I knew was that I had a burden for other parents struggling with pornography in their home and couldn’t stay silent any longer. I wrote under a pen name for two years.
In August 2020, my family gave me permission to use my given name and Hopeful Mom gained traction. In October of that year, I attended a writers conference and, through the conference, landed an agent. In November 2021, I signed a book contract with Leafwood Publisher and . . .
Before I go any further, I want to take a moment to say THANK YOU! This celebration is not only about Hopeful Mom and Sexpectations. It’s about you – Hopeful Mom friends and community. Many of you have walked through trials with your children and lived to talk about it. Lots of you learned of online dangers and opened your mouth to help your children and friends navigate these difficult conversations.
I applaud YOU! I’m grateful for YOU! And I’m praying for YOU!
Excerpt from Sexpectations
To celebrate these joyous occasions, here’s a glimpse into the book, a short excerpt from Chapter 4 “Selflessness.”
Don and I ushered our son into this world on a snowy day two years after walking down the aisle. Our marriage had already endured hardships, including a miscarriage, so we were grateful to celebrate a new baby. We assumed our family was complete.
Entering adulthood, I wanted two children. I wasn’t the mothering type, but when Don and I merged our small families, each bringing a boy into the mix, we agreed to add one more. I hoped for a girl, but I released that desire the day our son was born.
Several years later, God resurrected my dream for a girl when he called us to adopt. After we brought our daughter home, I overheard a relative say, “Now they have his, hers, ours, and theirs.” I was sensitive and protective about my family and its formation. This impolite statement hurt me. I realize now she meant the comment as an explanation, not a judgment. Our circumstances have a unique quality to them, but isn’t every family unique to a degree?
Each child God added to my home, he added to my heart. Each brought trials and joys, tears and laughter, failures—lots of failures—and triumphs. Each burrowed his or her way into my life and my soul. And each chiseled away at the selfish parts.
A child can bring out a parent’s innermost ugliness like no one else, causing us to face our own weaknesses, flaws, and limitations. Parenting is the most grueling and inspiring job in the world. We are to lay our own wants, desires, and, at times, needs aside to take care of these beautiful creatures who depend on us for every little thing. I can think of no love outside of God that causes a person to relinquish selfishness as much as love for a child.
Our babies rely on us for life-sustaining food and shelter. Our toddlers require physical protection so they don’t harm themselves. As our children grow and interact with friends and teachers, they need our guidance in the ways of the world.
When they reach the preteen and teen years, they count on our money—and so much more. Our role is to remind them they are not alone, while keeping our distance. This is difficult terrain. Each child is an individual with distinct necessities. And, try as we might, we can’t always predict their requirements or responses to their environment.
Fourteen years after I birthed our baby boy that snowy day, I learned of his pornography habit. Having been a mom for twenty years, along with all the everyday moments and joyous occasions, I’d walked with my children through injuries, botched relationships, and emotional turmoil. I had held their hands through hurts, heartaches, and rejection. I had cried with them and for them. But nothing prepared me for this news. I felt like a failure, and I wanted to escape.
Unlike other relationships, ones with friends, coworkers, or even extended family, I couldn’t walk away from my son. When I wanted to throw up because of his indiscretions, I still loved him. When I wanted to quit because parenting was too hard, I leaned into God and loved my son through another day. When I felt ignorant, unequipped, and useless, I fell to my knees.
At sixteen, my son confessed he was still using pornography. We learned he was addicted. I couldn’t focus. My emotions, ever present, clouded my judgment. I teetered between uselessness and solving the problem by researching, talking, and taking charge. I lay in my bed crying my eyes out one minute and was ready to fight my son’s battles the next. One thing I knew: I could not abandon him. Even if I said and did all the wrong things, even if I was screaming on the inside and hating our situation, I would persevere. My resolve to walk beside him and help him through his decision to quit required an inner strength I didn’t know existed.
“Have a child,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. What theydidn’t say is how hard parenting is. How tedious. How long of an endeavor. How it turns your insides to mush because your child has stomped on your heart one day and the next made you proud as a peacock.
But parenting, if we allow it, also refines us. Parenting reminds us that life is not all about us. God uses our children to show us that our joys and delights originate from him. He uses outside experiences and people, especially our children, to draw us to him, where true love begins—a selfless love.
“Barb Winters has done an incredible job addressing tough issues all families, churches, and youth groups face. As a therapist, school counselor, and mom of young adults, I’m grateful she is frank about the effects of a sexualized culture, while also pointing to a better way in Christ. A must read for all parents, youth leaders, and anyone needing to connect with today’s youth.”—Brenda Yoder, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, School Counselor, author of Fledge: Launching Your Kids Without Losing Your Mind
“Sexpectations is about so much more than sex. It provides a biblically sound roadmap to understand how culture has warped relationships and intimacy, and more importantly, how families can emerge strong and healthy, defying this distortion. Parenting in the digital age is one of the most challenging experiences any of us will ever have, and Barb shares her own stories with refreshing vulnerability. This book will supercharge your sense of purpose as a parent, giving you the courage and tools to more deeply connect with your kids and more resolutely stand against the toxicity of our culture.”—Sarah Siegand, Cofounder of Parents Who Fight
“Sexpectations is a calming voice to parents in the midst of the chaos of trying to talk with older kids about sex. Barb candidly shares her own parenting journey to demonstrate that even when we do not do this perfectly, there can be hope for our kids. I appreciate how Barb goes beyond just “what to say to kids” but includes work that we need to do as parents throughout this process. Sexpectations is an emotional rock for parents to stand on as they navigate these waters.”—John Fort, Director of Training at Be Broken Ministries
Be sure to subscribe for TWO FREE downloads – Sexpectations Questions for Personal Reflection & Group Discussion AND 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn.
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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