Our last day of vacation. We were leaving in a few hours. My family took off in one direction for a big breakfast. But I headed to the public square for a coffee and piece of carrot cake.
I meandered into the central park of Antigua, Guatemala and watched it come alive. Vendors set up their wares while tourists and locals grabbed a bite to eat and took selfies by the fountain. Lovers held hands or kissed on the park benches. A photographer snapped photos of a graduate in her cap and gown.
I took pictures of the sun hitting the flowers and drank my coffee.
My heart was content. My mind was at peace. My body relaxed. The perfect ending to a fabulous vacation. Also a great start to a Saturday. Sabado in Spanish. Sabbath. Day of rest.
I smiled. Until recently I had not deliberately taken a day of rest each week. But I understand how important rest (and sleep) are for proper self-care. So I’ve been scheduling a weekly Sabbath into my rhythm of life. (Scheduling is one thing. Doing is another.)
Sleep and rest. Different, but related.
Children, from infant to teen, require a significant amount of sleep (8-10 hours for teens). Unfortunately, many do not get an adequate amount. Add porn issues and the problem escalates. Many who struggle with pornography don’t sleep well. They are used to watching videos into the night. The combination of screens and conditioning the body to be up late creates an environment in which it is difficult to sleep. Then they get to the point where they become dependent on the chemical release after orgasm to relax and fall asleep. It becomes a vicious cycle. They are creating habits (forming grooves in the brain) that are tough to break. Thus, the addiction.
But sleep is crucial. For our children. And for us. So many times, as parents, we neglect ourselves for the sake of taking care of others. Or we can’t sleep because of anxiety, worry, or stress.
When we first learned of our son’s pornography addiction, we discovered he was having trouble sleeping at night. During this same period, my husband was getting up for several hours in the middle of the night. And, of course, I wasn’t sleeping well because of my concern for my son. I was afraid of what would happen if I let my guard down and fell asleep.
Sleep Tips
As a family, we decided to tackle this issue. Here are some suggestions based on our experience:
- Relax an hour before bedtime. (No online games.)
- Go to bed at the same time every night.
- Create a dark environment. (Blackout curtains work well.)
- Stay in bed. If you wake up, do not get out of bed.
- Get up at the same time every morning.
- Try a relaxation technique like breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation. (Dr. Sissy Goff describes PMR in her book Raising Worry-Free Girls. “Your daughter lies in her bed. She starts at the top of her head and works her way down to her toes, tensing and then relaxing each muscle group for five seconds. The exercise not only relaxes her body but focuses her mind on the muscles and away from her worried thoughts.”)
But sleep and rest are not the same. I sleep well at night—at least once I fall asleep. But I do not rest well. I wake up with a to-do list running through my mind, and I hit the pillow at night with that same list mocking me. So I feel lazy unproductive if I take a day of rest.
On that last day in Guatemala I felt a relaxation I hadn’t experienced in months. Everyday stressors had won. My mind and body were anxious. They were functioning at a level that was not sustainable—at least not in a healthy manner. And I didn’t realize it until my body slowed down.
Sitting on that park bench, I felt peace and contentment. The kind that comes from resting. A stop-everything-let-go-and-focus-on-God rest.
Some of my worries had resolved themselves. (I made it to the end of a vacation in the midst of a COVID-19 spike, with negative tests to get us back into our home country.) But most of the pressures I feel on a daily basis had not been lifted. Yet there was a quiet in my heart.
Most of us face trauma, stress, burdens—children and parents alike. Let me encourage you to take time to rest. Schedule it into your day, week, month, and year. The renewal and rejuvenation from resting gives us a fresh outlook to tackle our work or problems without the heaviness anxiety adds to our lives.
- Walk away from your work for 10 minutes each day. Read a book for entertainment or sit in the sunshine.
- Take a day each week to rest. Pray. Play. Exercise. Schedule time for something that renews you.
- Plan a getaway quarterly or yearly. The results are worth the hassle.
Are you in the middle of a traumatic experience? Are everyday responsibilities cutting into your sleep and rest time? Do you believe a day of rest is a sign of laziness? I encourage you to see these activities as musts for your health and your child’s.
Do you have any sleep tips? What do you do to rest? Let us know in the comments.
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About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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