When we discover a child has been watching pornography we usually focus our attention on how to deal with the presenting problem: How do I help my child stop watching porn? While we notice the effect the news has on us—hurt, anger, guilt, shock, panic, anxiety, sadness, confusion—we typically try to push those feelings aside because the urgency of the situation demands we maintain our composure as best we can. We cannot stop parenting simply because we have our own trauma to tend to.
It was several years into my son’s ordeal before I read about the effects of betrayal trauma, the damage to a relationship experienced because of a betrayal. But even though I hadn’t heard the term or couldn’t enumerate all the ramifications his betrayal had on me, I remember being stunned that he had lied to me and deceived me.
I could not imagine this child of mine ever lying to me.
So easily.
Over and over.
Without a hint of deception.
I had no idea.
And it devastated me, more than the fact that he was watching pornography.
I was undone.
Typically, betrayal trauma is associated with an intimate partner relationship. But there are similarities when a child betrays a parent by lying and deceiving consistently for a long period of time. In my case, my son had been in this pattern for many years.
Relationships are based on trust and security. When either trust or security within the relationship is broken, our solid ground crumbles beneath us. That leads to betrayal trauma. This uneven ground ripples out beyond that relationship.
Impacts
Of course David’s porn use impacted my relationship with him. I could no longer trust him. But, it also affected other relationships within the household. A secret loomed in the air, and it was noticeable. I also began questioning my other children’s statements. Were they lying too?
The trauma impacted my relationship with my husband. Some days it drew us closer together, whereas other days it drove a wedge between us. We agreed on treatment for David, but the emotional toll on me seeped into our marriage through other avenues.
My social interactions were altered, as the effects touched my relationships with other family members and friends. I typically talked openly about my life, sharing my shortcomings and victories as a parent, but I was unable to disclose details, or even provide an overview, in this area of life. I considered myself a phony.
The situation impacted my intellect. My thinking was clouded and my emotions were poised, ready to seize my brain at a moment’s notice. I forgot why I entered a room or the chore I was trying to accomplish. I couldn’t remember simple things, like where we kept the forks. I was forced to stop, close my eyes, and focus on normal, everyday tasks.
Our finances were affected, as we began paying for filters and other resources.
The ordeal infringed on my physical well-being. My anxiety level was elevated. I teetered between eating every sugary thing in sight and eating nothing. I didn’t sleep well. I was moody and overly sensitive. I wavered between numbness and breaking down. The stress was overwhelming.
The betrayal trauma influenced my relationship with God. I threw questions in anger at Him one day and put my head in His lap and cried like a baby the next. Thankfully His steadiness was one constant in my turbulent life. His strength empowered me to keep going, to continue getting out of bed each morning, to continue parenting my child. His love propelled me to keep loving, to plug away, to stick it out.
He quieted my fears.
How to Combat Betrayal Trauma
Are you feeling the effects of betrayal trauma? Are you stunned that your child could deceive you and lie to you? Has this damaged your relationship with your child? Are you now struggling to trust others? Have the effects seeped into other areas of your life? If so, you are not alone.
- Pinpoint how your child’s betrayal has affected your relationships, emotions, and well-being.
- Talk openly with those around you. Explain how your trust has been broken and that you are struggling. Discuss a plan to mend the relationship with your child. Tell others how they can help you learn to trust again.
- Recognize that your child’s betrayal is not personal. Their brain is still developing, and their desire to watch porn has nothing to do with you.
- Forgive your child.
- Keep the long-term goals in mind. Healing is not quick. Stay focused on everyone involved becoming healthy in the long-run.
- Take care of yourself.
- Establish boundaries within your relationships, if necessary.
- Let go of what you can’t control.
- Put your trust in God.
Thanks for joining these difficult conversations. Will you join me in spreading the word about the dangers of pornography and the impact it is having on our children and us as parents? Please share this post on social media. And be sure to subscribe below for updates to the blog and a FREE PDF download.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
Blaming a child for betrayal trauma is pretty extreme.
Anonymous,
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your perspective. Personally, I would never “blame” my child for how I felt by his betrayal (and he would admit that he betrayed me). It was helpful and freeing for me to pinpoint why I was experiencing the emotions I had and walk through the rest of the steps I mentioned in the post.