Being authentic with our children through vulnerable conversations —sharing our stories, our failures, our successes, our hopes, and our fears—bridges the invisible gap between generations. It demonstrates to our children we are fallible, but also resilient.
“Let’s switch partners.” I said.
I was playing euchre with my son, daughter, and husband.
“What? That’s crazy.” My son said.
“No, it’s not. I don’t get to be your partner very often. Let’s change it up. Oh, and if I signal to you that I’ve stacked the deck, go with it.” I laughed.
“Huh?”
“I’m just joking. When I played in college, one night my partner told me he was stacking the deck. But I misunderstood. I thought he was dealing the good hand to himself, not me. So I messed up the whole hand.” I laughed again.
“You did that?” my daughter asked.
“Yeah. But it’s easier to play while sober and when no one is trying to cheat.”
“Were you drinking?” she clarified.
“Yep. Every weekend. Drinking and euchre.”
“That sounds stupid.” My son remarked.
“Pretty much.” I agreed.
The fact that I had partied in college wasn’t news to my children. I’ve disclosed information about my past before, the good and the bad. Sometimes I’m proud. Sometimes, not so much. But I’ve learned from my decisions, so I don’t hang my head in shame. I also choose not to gloat or pretend as if I’ve always had it all together. Heck, I still don’t have it all figured out . . . and they know it.
Telling vulnerable stories while interacting with our children helps them see us as real and relatable. Vulnerable Conversations Lead to Openness #sexeducation #fightthenewdrug #hopefulmom Share on XI choose to have vulnerable conversations about my life because it’s their heritage. Because it’s made me who I am. And because it helps my children see me as real and relatable. I’ve struggled with temptation. I’ve caved to sinful behavior. I’ve wrestled with areas that aren’t black and white. I’ve fallen. I’ve been knocked down. And I lived to tell the story. And I’ve grown. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. That doesn’t make me an expert. But it does give me wisdom.
When our children view us as real people, they’re more apt to take us seriously. We achieve this goal by having vulnerable conversations.
My Past Affects Their Future
I didn’t think my parents understood my traumas (did I mention I was an emotional teenage girl?) because I didn’t see them as people who struggled. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, but either way, I didn’t know when they faced a crucial decision. I didn’t see them combat fear or worry. I pictured them as infallible. I first realized my mom wasn’t Superwoman when she broke her hip at age 50. By then I was married.
I don’t want my children to see me as needy. After all, it’s my job to take care of them, not the other way around. But I want them to know I’m human, just like them. I fought emotional turmoil, sexual desires, and peer pressure growing up. And I still battle hormones, juggling responsibilities, and temptation. I can understand their situations because I’ve been where they are.
So I talk about my past. I get excited about choices that led to successful outcomes. I point out decisions I’d change if I were put in the same position again.
My hope is that my vulnerable conversations leads to their openness. When they’re hurting or struggling they seek my counsel. When they have questions about sex, sexual activity, sending & receiving nudes, or pornography they trust my perspective. When they face difficult decisions, they know my advice comes from a place of someone who’s “been there.” And when they make unhealthy choices, they bring their issues to me because they know I love them unconditionally.
If you’ve been reluctant to share stories from your past, I encourage you to open up. You don’t need to reveal details, but disclosing ways you’ve erred in the past may draw your children closer to you. It may help them see you as someone who understands them. And it may close the gap between generations.
When did you first learn your parents were fallible?
Can you be vulnerable with your children?
Choose one vulnerable story about your past you can share with your children this week. Please share this post on social media or through email. Other parents need the hope that comes from knowing they are not alone. Subscribe below for a FREE PDF download, updates on new blog posts, and information on my book scheduled to be released summer 2023.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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