Pornography and Sexuality

A few conversations I’ve had recently, along with my last post written by John Fort, caused me to think about my past, my thoughts on sex, and the connection between pornography and sexuality. Is one connected to the other? (Spoiler alert: Yes!) If so, how has pornography affected my views on sex and sexuality, and how does watching pornography affect my child’s views?

Before we can help our children and the choices they face, we need to analyze our views and thoughts on our own sexuality. Understanding our hang-ups and the reasoning behind them, and our current viewpoint and basis for those beliefs help us have clearer, deeper, and honest, albeit difficult, conversations with our children.

My parents grew up in the 50s and 60s—a time when the younger generation was standing up for its rights in a peace, love, rock n’ roll, drugs, and sex sort of way. By the time I was in high school in the 80s, women were wearing suits & carrying briefcases to work because “anything they can do, we can do better.” And women certainly didn’t need to be “tied down” to enjoy sex. This was the era of feminism and free love.

And, yet, I grew up equating sex with love.

For many, many years I thought if a guy (boyfriend, and later, husband) wanted to have sex with me, it was because he loved me. If he did not want sex (yes, that happens, ladies), that meant something was wrong—he was mad or no longer loved me. I also thought sex meant the rest of the relationship was okay. In a sense, I used sex to feel good about myself and the union. My worth was tied into this portion of my life. Sex=all is good. No sex=all is not good.

Society Speaks Loudly

I don’t think I’m alone. After all, most movies, books, YouTube videos, etc. portray the major goal in life as finding a partner. And the way to catch a mate is by flirting, enticing, and attracting with our bodies. (In case you haven’t heard, for teens, sending nudes is basically the first step in a relationship now.)

Society has indoctrinated us to believe a partner will fulfill any longing we experience.

Lonely? Find a man.

Hurt? Seek out a boyfriend.

Feel unloved? That’s because you need a mate.

Feel unworthy? A lover is what you crave.

Body image issue? A spouse will fix you.

And this one: Your partner is watching porn? That’s because you aren’t good enough. They wouldn’t need to watch pornography if you were more sensual, had bigger/smaller body parts, were better in bed, paid closer attention to their needs, loosened up, and had sex more often. Your partner’s porn problem is your fault.

And some of us bought the lies. Hook, line, and sinker.

Guilty. For years, I mixed up sex and love. And pornography, integrated with other media, messed with my sexuality. I didn’t measure up. I needed to be different and more.

It’s Worse Now

So how do our children feel? When I remember the messages bombarding me as a teen, I am more compassionate toward my teens. I’m more empathetic and sensitive toward the choices they face.

Pornography is more accessible, free, and somewhat “normal” in their world. They are turning to porn for their sex education because . . . well . . . why not? Therefore, pornography and sexuality become entangled. We need to untangle the mess and the message for them.

I no longer tie my worth to my sex life. I learned my identity, the core of who I am, is not dependent on others—what they think of me or how they act toward me. As a Christian, I turn to Christ and God’s word to find my fulfillment.

Self-Reflect and Talk with Your Child

What are your thoughts on sex and your sexuality? Are they related to how you feel about yourself? Where do you find your fulfillment? Learning your worth, your happiness, peace, and contentment, is not dependent on your sexuality or what others think of you aids in helping your children.

Once you’ve analyzed your thoughts and beliefs about pornography and sexuality, talk with your children. Tell them about your vulnerabilities. Let them know you understand their turmoil because you also had to make hard choices at their age. Hopefully they respect you and realize you have some wisdom. Refer to John Fort’s post for specific questions to ask yourself and your children.

Remind your children you love them unconditionally—that your love is not dependent on their behaviors or thoughts. They need you to stand beside them. They need you to be strong while in the trenches with them. They need you to remind them they have value and worth and their dreams and goals are worth pursuing.

I love hearing from you. If you have something you are working through or would like addressed, comment below or send me a private message.

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