How Can You Help Your Teen with A Pornography Addiction?

There’s a special place in my heart for Dr. John Thorington of Restoring Hearts Counseling. When my son came clean regarding his porn use, I called Focus on the Family. They directed me to Dr. Thorington. Through our conversation and his resources I learned my son had a pornography addiction. I’m so grateful for the time he took to help me and our family. I recently re-connected with Dr. Thorington when he graciously endorsed my book, Sexpectations. (Read his endorsement here.) I’m pleased to introduce him to you!

Internet pornography is quite powerful in capturing the attention of the teen brain. This power can be understood in considering how easy it for people to:

• Choose what they want to watch or view any time—and often for free or little cost.
• Find images that involve sound and motion, which have a more intense effect on the brain.
• Click through many images in a short amount of time and be exposed to more in quantity and variety in one sitting than through a magazine or DVD.
• Take advantage of the “Triple-A Effect” of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity.
• Become addicted to pornography in shorter spans of time because of easy and speedy access to it.

McAfee, the world’s largest dedicated security technology company, released insightful findings from the company’s Teen Internet Behavior study less than ten years ago. It found that many teens are accessing inappropriate online content. Specifically, 43 percent of teens have accessed simulated violence online; 36 percent have accessed sexual topics online, and 32 percent have accessed nude content or pornography online.[i] This means teens are accessing images and information about men and women, relationships, and sex at an age when they are most impressionable.

While the problem may be a challenge to quantify, there is considerable evidence that the world has changed—especially for children and teens. Parents often find themselves struggling to know what to do to help their kids.

In a recent meeting with my counselor colleagues, we all agreed that the number of calls from parents on this issue has increased dramatically. It was rare even ten years ago for a counselor to be asked to treat a teen with a pornography addiction, but it is now a frequent request from parents.

I often think of the story of Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving. It seems as if we are in the world of Rip Van Winkle. One day he wanders into the mountains to go hunting, meets and drinks with English explorer Henry Hudson’s legendary crew, and falls into a deep sleep. He awakens twenty years later and returns to his village to discover that everything has changed. One of Irving’s major points is the tumultuous change occurring over the twenty years that the story encompasses. The connection to 21st-century society is more than obvious!

Having an Internet pornography addiction so young also has serious long-term implications. Here are just a few:

• It poisons their view of sex.
• It desensitizes them to actual relational and sexual satisfaction.
• It leads to destroyed marriages.
• It damages their spiritual vitality and connection with God.
• It hinders the development of their character and integrity.
• It robs them of their potential and purpose.

What can parents do?

The most important thing is nurturing effective communication with your teen. According to a recent survey commissioned by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, teens say that parents (38%) most influence their decisions about sex—more than peers (22%), the media (9%), teachers and educators (4%), and others.[ii]

Studies show that teens are influenced by their parents and what they teach them about sex. If parents don’t take on this responsibility, the media and Internet will inform their children. Here are additional parental tips:

• Be Proactive. Too many parents either ignore the problem or assume that their kids will never get involved with pornography. Be aware of what your teens are doing online.
• Set limits. Dr. Karen Koch has written an immensely helpful book called Screens and Teens. She warns that screen time is quickly replacing family time, and it is hard wiring the way teens connect with their world. Parents need to lead by example and limit screen time to give priority to real-time relationships.
• Provide appropriate teaching and information. Parents can teach their teens about healthy relationships and sexuality. The goal is to teach and exemplify this perspective.
• Cast a positive vision. The Bible has a saying, “Where there is no vision, the people perish…” (Proverbs 29:18). Parents have a key role to know the gifts and abilities of their teens and to bless them with a positive vision.

Treating Compulsive Behavior

The good news is that Internet pornography addiction is treatable. With parental support and professional help, teens can recover. Faith and hope has a lot to do with recovery.

There are additional keys to successful recovery. Teens need:

• Roadblocks to cleanse their brains (this means some sort of accountability software).
• To work toward 3-5 months of a porn diet to push the “reset button” on the brain and continue healing of the brain.
• A medical evaluation for things such as OCD, ADD, depression or anxiety.
• A mentoring relationship marked by encouragement and accountability.
• Learning strategies to deal with temptation and relapse prevention.
• Spiritual guidance to overcome the distortions of pornography and learn the principles of healthy relationships and sexuality.
• Counseling to help uncover the issues existing before the compulsive behavior so they can deal with the real problem(s) rather than fall back into this destructive coping mechanism.
• Therapeutic and spiritual help to combat the shame and help them become more grounded in their personal worth and value.

Again, parental support is critical as parents need to have conversations and an ongoing dialogue with their teens about intimacy and the meaning of sex.

UPDATE on Sexpectations: We still have room for more launch team members! For more information, read here. Be sure to subscribe below so you don’t miss a thing!

[i] https://callnerds.com/what-your-teen-is-hiding-online-part-1/ — 2012

[ii] https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/teens-say-parents-most-influence-their-decisions-about-sex-167680825.html — 2012

About the author

Dr. John Thorington

Director at Restoring Hearts Counseling | + posts

John owns and operates Restoring Hearts Counseling which he began in late 2014. It is a counseling center dedicated to helping teens and adults struggling with sexual compulsivity. It represents the focus of his life as both a pastor and then as a counselor.

He served as a Christian pastor for twenty-nine years. In his last position, he served as Pastor of Discipleship and Evangelism for First Wesleyan Church in Tuscaloosa, AL. During that time (1999-2005), he became passionately concerned about couples and teens fighting sexual struggles. Those battles had to do with Internet pornography and other online activities.

While he continued to serve First Wesleyan, he also went back to school and earned a degree in community counseling from the University of Alabama in May, 2005. A year later in 2006, he became a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Alabama. Somewhere in the midst of all this, he took two years to train with a widely recognized sex addiction expert, Patrick Carnes, to become a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist in 2007.

In all this very busy time, the Lord used him to found Tuscaloosa Christian Counseling in 2004. The center operated full-time from June, 2005 until July, 2014, serving families in their battle with sexual addictions. He treated people literally from all over the country and even Canada. TCC was an outpatient, Christ-centered program for adults and teens who sought healing in areas of sexual and relational brokenness. The center literally helped hundreds of people learn how to walk in freedom.

In August, 2014, he and his wife moved to Colorado Springs, Co. Several things prompted this very difficult decision. In large measure, there was the fact of having two daughters and three grandchildren there. And, they also had other relatives on both sides of their families.  He completed the necessary steps and became again a Licensed Professional Counselor this time in Colorado.  He was blessed to serve full-time as a pastoral counselor on the staff of Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs for six years until the end of March, 2021.  During those years, He published his first book Pure Teens: Honoring God, Relationships, and Sex. He also published his second book Pure Teens: Free to Love.

Now, he serves Restoring Hearts Counseling full-time in Huntsville, Alabama. He works with people struggling with a variety of issues, such as depression, anxiety, trauma and PTSD, grief, and marriage.  He primarily assists teens and adults struggling with sexual addiction.

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