In a previous post, I referred to these seven stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Recently, I explored these stages more thoroughly and identified the process I walked through when I first heard of my son’s fascination with pornography.
One of the stages is bargaining. Bargaining is “seeking in vain for a way out” and “trying to get back what you lost.” My summation is: desperate deal making. If I _____________ (fill in the blank with an action), then will you, God or person in control of this situation, _____________ (fill in the blank with an action)?
I don’t think of myself as a negotiator, especially when it comes to bargaining with God. It’s not as if I went to God and said, “Let’s make a deal. How about a trade?” But at the time I learned of my son’s porn problem I found myself wondering if he would heal more quickly if I parented him perfectly. I know perfect parenting is a fantasy, but rationalizing was out the window. I was desperate. For example, I thought if I kept my son close to me all day and left my door open at night, then he wouldn’t have a chance to search the internet. I figured if I corrected the mistakes I had previously made God wouldn’t take it out on my son.
As I fluctuated in and out of the bargaining stage, I cried out to God on many occasions. My
son. My son. My heart was breaking for him. I don’t remember actually asking for an exchange with God, but I hoped I could bear my son’s pain by transferring pieces of his suffering to myself, thereby lifting the weight of his burden. I wondered if God would allow me to endure some of his anguish. Periodically, I curled up in a ball and cried, both for myself and for him. A part of me hoped the physical act of lying there feeling the pain would siphon some of his sorrow and grief, and reduce his stress and anxiety, as well as relieve the heartache we both felt.
My rational side knew this was ridiculous, but the rest of me had to try. I wasn’t consciously aware I was bargaining, but I knew I wanted an exchange. I walked through each bargaining scene mentally as it came to me. I pictured my intended outcome, then eliminated the unrealistic and accepted the feasible. For example, If I fast and pray, then my son will choose truth and will not be tempted to seek porn. I believe in the power of prayer. I understand the purpose of fasting. I trust in a God who answers prayer and wants what is best for us. The unrealistic expectation is that He will create my perfect scenario, one in which my son is no longer tempted. God can relieve my son of his desire to watch pornography, but there is no guarantee He will. Realistically and feasibly, I expect and trust God to do what is best for all involved. That may or may not include wiping out my son’s desire for pornography forever. I can go to God and plead my case, but I cannot manipulate God. I have limited power and control. Furthermore, I cannot make choices for my son. He has to make his own decisions. It’s imperative I accept this reality.
When I first looked at the stages of grief, I wasn’t sure what practical purpose this stage offered, only that most people experience it as part of their healing. Now I see it was necessary for me to walk through these scenarios to get to the acceptance stage.
What about you? Are you still grieving? What stage are you in?
Are there specific issues you would like me to address? What problems or circumstances are you encountering with your child? Please contact me directly or post a comment, anonymously, if you prefer. I would love to hear from you. Subscribe to receive notices about new posts, and share this site with others via social media or email. Thank you. If you are new here, I invite you to look back over the previous blog posts. I pray they are a source of encouragement, as you are not alone.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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