When a baby is born, the doctor cuts the umbilical cord. From that moment on the child is unattached to his parent. He/she is free, so to speak. Most parents immediately attach an imaginary rope from themselves to the child. When the child is a baby, the invisible rope needs to be short and taut for his/her protection. Otherwise the baby will fall or starve.
As the child develops, the rope is lengthened, allowing for some mobility. At first the parents allow the child to explore within a few feet of them. They are close by to catch or stop the child if necessary.
This process continues. When the child starts playing at friends’ homes and attending school, the rope is let out more but is still attached. The parent monitors movement closely, only giving more rope when the child is trusted to make wise decisions. And when the child fails, the parent tugs on the rope a little until the child understands his/her new boundaries, and then they try again.
The end goal, of course, is to let go of the rope completely. I have two older children no longer attached by an invisible rope. I do not monitor their actions. I have no say over their decisions. I certainly offer advice when appropriate but do not expect them to run to me for every little thing. That’s the way it should be.
By the age of fourteen, my son’s rope was fairly long. As I mentioned before, I trusted him fully. I trusted his judgment, so I allowed him to make most of his own decisions with minor monitoring. When we found out he was watching pornography, I pulled on the rope, shortening it. However, when he was sixteen, he came to us again and told us our boundaries had not worked. In essence, he said the rope wasn’t short enough. He found a way around our system and continued his behavior. So I tugged on that rope again and reeled it in tighter! For his protection. Because I am on his side.
This was tough! There were days I would have preferred to let go of the rope all together (or strangle him with it. Did I just say that?).
What did that short rope look like? At first he was on 24-hour watch. He was not to be alone, no exception. Even at night, my door was open (which I hated). I barely slept because most of his mischievous behavior had been happening in the middle of the night. I told him he could wake me at any time or even sleep on our floor if necessary. We also took every device in the house and put them in our room or bathroom every night. During the day they had restricted access and still do. (Parents — know what devices can access the internet. I was clueless. The Xbox connects to the internet!)
My children are homeschooled, so I re-arranged the calendar to include one parent at home at all times or I dragged my teens with me on appointments and errands. Yes, on more than one occasion I had two teenagers (my son and his younger sibling) sitting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office because I could no longer leave them home alone. Was this inconvenient? Yes! Did I question my motives and my decisions? Yep! Did I feel as if I would lose my mind? Absolutely! But I knew it was necessary for my son to heal and de-tox from the world he had built for himself.
Our “program” included many more things, but the good news is we prevailed. Little by little, inch by inch, I let out the rope. After several months of 24-hour watch, I asked him if he could be home alone while I ran a quick errand. He said no. Yay for honesty! I waited another month and asked again. He said yes. In this manner, we have made steps toward independence. I now leave him home alone regularly without hesitation.
By God’s grace and determination, my son is progressing toward freedom. He may always struggle with this sin, but it does not have the stronghold on him it used to. My prayer is my story offers you hope.
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About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.
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