You Have a Superpower: Your Story

It’s my privilege to introduce Anne Kerr as a guest here at Difficult Conversations. Anne has years of experience helping parents talk about sexuality with their children. I love her matter-of-fact attitude and specific tips for parents on how to communicate with your children. Her wisdom is invaluable.

You Have a Superpower. It’s your story. Here’s why your kids need to hear it.

In your growing-up years did you experience things related to sexuality that were embarrassing, or hurtful, or even destructive? What about a sexual encounter that left you curious, or aroused, or perhaps wanting more?

We’ve all encountered such things. In fact, most of us encountered many things related to bodies, sex, porn, or the like throughout our growing-up years. These encounters or experiences served to shape us in profound ways. They likely changed the way we saw ourselves, others, the world, and maybe even God. Some left us feeling ashamed and alone. Some left us curious, or afraid, or perhaps wanting more. Some made us feel insignificant or worthless.

The porn I saw at a sleepover during my fifth-grade year left me curious yet afraid. What if my parents found out? They did, and I was so ashamed and knew I could never talk about such topics with them again. When I was 14 and saw porn in a home where I babysat, I had no one to talk with about it. There were many other things that came into my life that in a sense taught me about sex, and as I matured, I made many mistakes sexually. These are part of my story of God’s grace in my life. God has helped me discover healing and redemption for some of the damage the enemy inflicted upon my soul through these events. You have your own stories too, and they’re more powerful than you know.

Kids Hear About Sexuality Everywhere

Today’s children are growing up in a highly sexualized culture and are learning about sex from the internet, porn, YouTube, Netflix, social media, their friends, and a host of other people and places. Today’s technology is making it difficult for parents to compete against the influx of sexualized material accessible to kids. We’re not as tech-savvy as they are, so we’re at a disadvantage. We’re not in all the places where they are, so we’re not seeing the challenges they’re facing. There’s also the natural generation gap between kids and parents. They think we can’t relate, and in some ways they are right.

But you do have a superpower. It’s your story.

Our stories connect us. They bridge the great divide between generations. They display vulnerability, and vulnerability breeds vulnerability. They make us real in our children’s eyes. Most children have their parents up on a pedestal, not a great place from which to instruct your kids. They think you’re perfect or that you think you’re perfect. Eye-to-eye, shoulder-to-shoulder, from one frail, fallen human to another – these are better positions for helping kids understand issues related to sexuality.

Your kids need to know some of the things that shaped your sexuality through the years, because they need to know they are not alone. They need to see that you are human too, that you made mistakes, that you had bad things happen to you, that you saw and did things you’re now ashamed of. They need to hear of how God used these things in your life or how you learned from them. They need to know this because no matter how hard you try to protect them from all the sexual content that is out there, they will still be exposed to things. And they need an ally in the journey God has them on. Ideally, that ally is you.

Here are some questions for you to consider.

As you were growing up, what were some of the encounters or things that served to educate you about bodies or sex? These can be good, bad, or neutral. God allowed them. He can use them to help you connect with your child.

As you encountered or experienced things that were more shameful, painful, or destructive in your life, what did you really need? A safe place in which to share without feeling ashamed or condemned? Protection? Answers to your questions? A good listener? You needed all this and more.

What might your kids need as they experience their own encounters related to sexuality? You can become the “safe place” for your kids that they desperately need. Determine to listen more than you speak, to not immediately rush to anger or judgment, to see your child as vulnerable and curious and in need of gentle teaching. Jesus will help you.

How can you begin sharing more openly about your past? Short, age-appropriate, general information is best. For example, your conversation with a child who’s been accessing porn might sound like this, “When I was about your age, a friend showed me porn. It made me feel kind of funny inside, yet it also felt really wrong to be looking at it. Later I felt curious and wanted to see more. How does it make you feel to see porn?” Just be honest and ask thoughtful, non-condemning questions. For a teen who’s staying out too late with her boyfriend, you might share something like, “I remember when I was dating and realized how good it felt to make-out with a guy. Though I knew it was wrong, I also enjoyed it. I wish now I’d had someone to talk with about those feelings because it led to some really destructive patterns and a lot of heartache. I made a lot of mistakes.” For an older teen with whom you’ve not shared much about sexuality, perhaps begin with an apology, “God’s been teaching me some things, and I realize I haven’t shared much with you about bodies or porn or sex. You’ve probably had to figure a lot of things out on your own, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. How can we begin now?” Then listen, and when the time is right, share from your own journey.

Kids need compassion and empathy for a topic as sensitive as sexuality. And you have the superpower. You also have Jesus as your guide. He’s the model of authenticity and vulnerability. He gives grace for the moment and grace for the journey.

Your kids need your stories, but sharing some or all of your story first with a friend, a spouse, a therapist, or another safe person might be best. Also, never share anything with your child that your spouse doesn’t know. You need to honor your marriage relationship first. If you’d like to learn more about becoming your child’s ally in today’s sexualized culture, Be Broken Ministries has great resources for you: a monthly newsletter, personal Zoom consultations, and online courses, to name a few. Click this LINK for more information or to sign up for their monthly newsletter.

About the author

Anne Kerr

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Anne Kerr is a wife, mother, grandmother, writer, and lover of Jesus. She grew up in a large, busy household in Marietta, Georgia. She met her husband of 36 years, Greg, on the campus of Georgia Tech where she graduated with a degree in Industrial Management. Together they have three adult children, two children-in-love, and two grandchildren. Years ago when Anne's empty next season arrived, she founded TrueNorth Freedom Project, a nonprofit dedicated to making the church a safe place for people to go with their sexual struggles or sin. In 2020 TrueNorth merged with Be Broken Ministries where Anne served as their Family Care Specialist. Currently she lives in Charlotte, NC where she enjoys spending time with her family and serving as the Lord leads her.

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