My son recently gave me permission to write in my given name, rather than a pen name. I’ve written using a pen name for his comfort. (And, let’s face it, for mine too!) I didn’t want to taint anyone’s view of him . . . or our family. But we are five years into this journey, and our household recognizes the need to rip off that Band-Aid. The topic of pornography has been kept under a lid for too long. If we are to educate and communicate within our circles and community, I need to be free to write in my given name. Still, it’s a bit awkward to have your mom announce to the world your past behaviors, ones that have been kept close within the family for so long. So I applaud his courage and bravery.
I am going somewhere with this, I promise. I made a few phone calls to family members to inform them I would be going public with some information, and I needed to notify them first. I caught them up to speed on my son’s addiction and recovery. Besides the “thanks for letting me know” response, one of my family members asked, “Isn’t that normal for boys?” Why, yes, unfortunately, it is normal. But that’s not what she really meant. I believe she was asking, “Isn’t that natural and no big deal?”
Truthfully, that response isn’t out of the ordinary, especially from the Gen X and Baby Boomer generations. Unless pornography has touched you personally, you may have had that response yourself when you first learned of your child’s indiscretion. As I was reading the first draft of my upcoming book (shameless plug) to my husband, he disclosed his initial thoughts on our son’s porn use.
Normal?
Five years ago, he and I were on a walk and spotted our son in the front yard crying hysterically. We both believed the house was on fire or someone was lying in a pool of blood—something extremely devastating. So my husband was somewhat relieved when he learned our son was watching pornography. Not happy, mind you, but relieved that no one had been murdered in the fifteen minutes since we had left the house.
His relief may have contributed to his first thought, which was, What’s the big deal? This is normal behavior for a teenage boy. I sought it. My friends sought it. He wasn’t condoning the behavior; he just wasn’t as freaked out about it as I was. As the discussion progressed, my husband was more concerned about the type of pornography our son had been watching. Our son was distressed about a warning that had popped up on his screen threatening to send the police to arrest him unless he paid them a bribe. My husband reached for the device, read the pop-up warning, and knew immediately it was fake.
My husband was disappointed but not as upset as me. I was shaken to the core. But neither of us had a clue that today’s porn is not your father’s Playboy. When our children watch pornography, it’s not like revealing a centerfold in a magazine. What they observe and the amount of time they spend watching pornography is anything but “normal.”
When my generation was growing up, we didn’t have unlimited access to all types of pornographic images and videos. We had to make plans, think ahead, strategize. It typically was a brief encounter with long periods of time in between. Were there addicts? Absolutely. Did children accidentally stumble upon it? Indeed. But today’s children walk around with it in their pockets, hidden in plain sight.
Today’s Porn: Not Your Father’s Playboy
“New research commissioned by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) shows that children and teenagers are watching and stumbling across pornography from an early age – in some cases as young as seven or eight. . . . The majority of young people’s first-time watching pornography was accidental, with 62% of 11-13-year olds who had seen pornography reporting that they stumbled across it unintentionally.”[i]
Today’s kids hear a word they don’t understand and search the internet. Young kids, too young to cook on the stove, search for a word they don’t know and become exposed to a whole new world. Or they open their device to chat with a friend only to see the friend sexted them. Or they search for an answer to their homework assignment and an advertisement appears on the sidebar. Curiosity gets the better of them, and they click. And just like you and I can get lost on Facebook or YouTube clicking one video after another, they are off and running. More and more children (yes, children!) are stating they are compelled to continue watching. They are lured back to it over and over. And, soon enough, their brain is demanding a different fix—one that’s more hardcore.
When I explained some of the above to this family member, her eyes were opened to the consequences and ramifications of our current pornography status. No, today’s porn is not your father’s Playboy. It’s much worse. It’s much more addictive. It’s much more destructive. It’s destroying our children’s brains. It’s destroying marriages and families. It’s destroying our culture.
I don’t want to be a naysayer; but, I do want all of us to wake up to what’s going on under our noses. It’s time we take a stand. Let’s be part of the solution. I firmly believe we can turn this around if we educate and communicate our children and those around us. Until this invaded my home, I was ignorant of the widespread damaging effects of pornography. But now I know, and I can’t pretend I don’t.
Let me encourage you. There is hope. Our children (and society) can recover. Start by having a frank conversation with your children. Read through my other posts for more information on how to help your children. Be there for other parents. Let’s be willing to have these difficult conversations.
Will you do me a favor? This important topic needs talked about. Will you share this post on your social media account?
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[i] “Children See Pornography as Young as Seven, New Report Finds,” Children see pornography as young as seven, new report finds | British Board of Film Classification, September 26, 2019, https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-bbfc/media-centre/children-see-pornography-young-seven-new-report-finds.
About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.
I am still waiting for permission. His story is just that: HIS. But it closely intersects with mine. My story of heartbreak and worry shadows HIS story of temptation, struggle, falling, rising. It is agonizing for us all. I pray one day his will be a story of triumph! Thank you for your well-written blogs and support!
GJ,
Thanks so much for that accurate description of how our parent-stories intersect our children’s. Yes, it is their story! And I applaud you for respecting your son’s desire to keep his struggles private. Our first priority is to our children. We hold their hearts, and they must be able to trust us with their inner-most thoughts. Keep going, Mama! Even though the journey is laced with ups and downs, persevere. You’ve got this. I am praying for triumph with you.