5 Steps to Talk to Your Kids About Porn

Greta Eskridge is here! What a privilege! Greta’s recently released book, It’s Time to Talk To Your Kids About Porn, quickly became a best seller. Her topic is timely and essential. And, like most of you who’ve been here at Hopeful Mom know, one I’m passionate about. I recommend Greta’s book and listening to our discussion How Do I Respond When My Child Sees Porn? on her podcast. For those who’ve learned their child has seen pornography, I recommend the following downloadable booklets in the My Child Saw Porn series: You Are Not Alone and What Do I Do Now? And please be sure to subscribe for the FREE PDF: 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn.

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The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. —Psalm 34:18 

It’s what every parent dreads and the message I get every week: “My child has been exposed to pornography. I feel sick. I am devastated. What do I do?” The details vary—confessed or discovered, accidental exposure or sought out, at a friend’s house or at home, younger child or older teen, on an unlocked device or fully protected one—but the end result is always the same:  devastated, heartbroken parents and a struggling child. 

This doesn’t have to be the end of the story. There is hope and healing available for your child, and it starts with you. Your posture in this moment makes a tremendous difference in how your child will process this event.  

Above all, please remember that while the discovery of porn exposure or porn use hurts our hearts, God can use us to bring healing and comfort to our child whose heart is also hurting.  

1. PROCESS YOUR OWN EMOTIONS 

The first thing to understand is that it is absolutely normal for you to experience a cascade of different and intense emotions. Those emotions are valid and do not make you a bad parent. It’s also important to remember the words of Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God cares about your heart and your child – He cares even more than you do.  

That’s why, in the wake of discovery, you need to summon every ounce of self-control, compassion, love, and grace from the Holy Spirit to pour out on your child. You want to offer shame-free warmth and care. Make sure they know that they are not in trouble. There’s time later to talk about new boundaries and guardrails, but not now. Now is the time to be near your child both physically and emotionally. 

2. CONNECT WITH THEM 

After confession or discovery, if your child is open to it, hug them, hold them, or at least be physically near to them. Your job is to help them feel safe, peaceful, and even happy again. Pray together that God can take the pictures out of their mind and bring them healing. That should be the whole of the first conversation. It is not the right time for a lengthy lecture or even conversation. Be loving and be brief.  

3. TAKE TIME TO PREPARE FOR THE CONVERSATION 

The reason it is ideal to wait for the next conversation is because it is going to be more awkward and potentially painful. You need to determine the extent of your child’s exposure. If they confessed to you, you’ll be asking questions to see if this was a one-time viewing or if they went back to see more. If possible you’ll want to look at the history of the device used to get a clear picture of the trauma your child might be walking through based on what they saw. 

If your child didn’t come to you and you made the discovery, chances are you already know what they saw. But it’s still important to find out how long they have been viewing pornography, where, etc. It’s also helpful to encourage them to share with you if they can, as this helps release some of the pain and guilt and shame they are dealing with. Reassure your child that your questions are for their healing and safety, not because they are in trouble. 

4. APPROACH THE CONVERSATION WITH KINDNESS 

If your child is old enough to know that pornography and sex are connected, you need to let them know that pornography is not how God designed sex to be. You can tell them that God designed sex to be safe, loving, and in the context of marriage. This is not what they saw, and they need you to help them know the truth. Your child might be filled with remorse and willing to talk and confess. He might be confused. It is common for younger adolescents and children to say they don’t know why they went back to look at the pictures and videos. 

For an older child, especially one who didn’t confess but was caught, you might face more anger and sullenness or less willingness to talk. This is normal, and that child needs compassion just as much as the one who willingly confesses everything. Wherever your child falls on this spectrum, try to get as much information from them as possible, check devices if you can, pray together again, and save the next part of this ongoing conversation for later. 

When talking with your children about pornography, Greta Eskridge says to approach the conversation with kindness. Read here for more. 5 Steps to Talk to Your Kids About Porn #fightthenewdrug #onlinesafety #parenting Share on X

5. HOW TO MOVE FORWARD 

The next talk you need to have with your child is about the steps you’ll be taking to keep them safe from further pornography exposure. Explain you must change the rules with devices in your home to keep them safe. 

Now is the time to change passwords, turn on all the parental controls, and only allow them to use tech with supervision. If they were seeking out porn, consider installing monitoring software like Bark and accountability software like Covenant Eyes on all family-owned devices. 

For some kids these changes will be a relief. For others it will feel like a punishment. You’ll have to stand your ground and do what is best for your child in the long run. Look for all the ways your child could get online, such as video game consoles, old phones, computers, and tablets.  Clear your house of those things to protect your child.  

Finally, it is time to begin filling your child’s mind, heart, and life with the antidote to the evil they consumed. Spend the next days, weeks, and months filling their mind with all kinds of good things to help replace the bad. 

• Read beautiful and wholesome stories and picture books together. 
• Fill your house with hymns and worship music.  
• Read and memorize Scripture together. Start with 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 
• Write Scripture on cards and put them all over your house. 
• Spend time outdoors as often as possible.
• Be with friends who bring joy and delight to your child’s life. 
• Make extra effort to cultivate connection with your child and to provide opportunities for them to connect to God, his creation, and his people. 

Also consider if your child needs help beyond what you can offer. If they were accidentally exposed to pornography and did not continue to seek it out, you are probably capable of helping them heal. But if your child was actively using porn for a time and especially if they did not confess and were discovered, you might want to get them extra support from a pastor or counselor. 

It is tempting to give into despair when walking through this situation. But you are not alone. So many other parents have walked the exact same road. 

There is so much fear and shame attached to pornography that few parents are talking about it.  But we need to band together to create a safer, more supportive world for our kids and for one another. Seeing porn is not to be the end of your child’s story.