Four Steps for Parents to Heal from Shame

lady with head in hands shame

Our children feel shame when they watch pornography. But do we, as parents, experience shame? I certainly did.

My friend and I sat at my kitchen table drinking coffee.

She took a sip of her coffee and set her cup on the table. “Your children are amazing. You’ve done such a great job raising them.”

Our children were in the backyard hanging out. This fellow homeschool mom and I were close. Shortly after meeting, we quickly knew about each other’s extended family and history. Whenever we got together, the conversation flowed freely from one topic to another without pause. We laughed together and felt each other’s pain when issues surfaced. I was comfortable when I was around her. But I kept a part of my life hidden.

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IDENTIFY THE ROOT ISSUES OF PORN USE

I met Krista when we were both speakers at an online conference for thehopeline last Spring. When I saw her session, I felt the compassion she has for teen girls. She listens to them, equips them, and offers them hope through Girl Above. I asked her to talk with the parents here, and I love how she especially encourages us to look beyond the behavior and identify the root issues of porn use.

If you are a parent in 2021 and have a child over the age of 8 years old, there is a huge chance you are struggling to navigate your child’s exposure to or use of pornography. This does not make you a bad parent; this makes you a 2021 parent. Unfortunately, for the first time in the history of the world, our children carry a free and unlimited drug in their pocket. This drug is internet pornography, and their access to smartphones has made the problem nearly impossible to address. In 2019 there were over 33 trillion views on porn sites. The train has left the station, and parents are now just trying to keep up. 

After ten years of working with teens, my best advice for parents is to look WAY beyond the behavior and identify the root issues motivating the behavior. Once you have identified the root causes, become someone with whom your child can have in-depth conversations to address and heal those areas of their life. 

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The Definition of Pornography or Porn

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

What is porn? How do you define it? It’s not as clear-cut as you think. What was a known pornographic photo in 1960 is an average marketing image today. When I walk through the mall I’m liable to see photographs similar to those previously seen only in magazines under a bathroom sink. And I don’t even have to go into the store to see them. I am hassled by the retailer through pictures as I walk by the storefront.

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Are Our Children Victims?

Photo by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash

Our home is a Christian home. We try to adhere to Christian principles. We teach our children right and wrong behavior. We openly tell them not to look at inappropriate photos or videos online.

For example, when I found out one of our older son’s peers had been caught sexting, I flipped out. I sat my older children down and made sure they understood that type of behavior would not be tolerated. They assured me they wouldn’t be involved in anything of the kind. And I believed them. I trusted them. (Although, I’m sure the fact that I was alarmed did not help them see me as someone they could trust.)

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11 Things To Do When You Discover Your Child is Watching Pornography

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

The purpose of this site is to encourage parents of teenagers/children who watch or have watched pornography. It’s meant to be a safe place to share our emotions and concerns, not necessarily a place to give specific instruction on what to do. I am not an expert on the ins and outs of the pornography industry and how people become addicted to it. However, after walking through it with my son I would like to offer a list of 11 action steps in the hopes I can calm some fears. Sometimes, in the midst of a traumatic experience, it’s helpful to do something.   Continue reading “11 Things To Do When You Discover Your Child is Watching Pornography”