I’m excited to introduce Christy Bass Adams. We met recently at a writers conference. When I told her I was writing a book for parents of children struggling with pornography, she said, “I was that kid.” I immediately knew I wanted her to guest post here for us. Even though Christy grew up in a different era, I believe hearing the thoughts and trials of the addicted child is helpful. Christy says her addiction was a safe rebellion. I hope her insight gives us some perspective from the other side so we can be better parents. And, mostly, I hope her recovery as an adult reminds us our children’s stories are not over. They can still heal, even if it’s not in our timing. ~ Barb
A Safe Rebellion
I was 12 years old when I first viewed pornography at a friend’s house. The curiosity only grew from there. A child of the 80’s and 90’s, the internet wasn’t really a thing yet, so late night cable programming, printed material, and email spam were the easy avenues to seek it out. Thankfully I lived in a safe home where my parents monitored TV programming and everything else we did. So it remained only a curiosity for a long time.
A Good Kid
I was a good kid—the kid teachers trusted with their keys and parents would allow their kids to go places with. I was the voice of reason to all my friends and a leader in the church youth group. I tried really hard to be a good person. A good Christian. But deep inside I was struggling. Self-worth. Insecurity. Identity. And because everyone was looking to me for answers and sound thinking, I never talked about any of it. So, I began to hide. Hide my emotions, opinions, thoughts, and struggles.
The more I hid, the more I felt a rebellion stirring. But because I was a good kid, I couldn’t ruin my image. I found myself opening lots of spam emails that I would normally delete. Late nights when I couldn’t sleep, I would sneak into the living room, turn off the sound, and watch channels that bled through from my neighbor’s cable. It seemed nice to have an escape from reality, a way to ease the stress of my teenage emotions and life. And, I could still keep my image as a “good kid.” It was a safe rebellion.
Justifications
The problem with hiding my sin and continuing to be a good person on the outside was that I created justifications for my secret actions. “It’s only a little problem.” “One day when I get married it will all go away.” “As long as I keep it a secret, I will never be a stumbling block to anyone.” “If anyone knew the real me they wouldn’t like me, so it’s better this way.” With each justification, the chasm between the two people inside of me grew wider and wider. Wonderful, Christian example who had her life together on the outside, and insecure, depressed, teenage girl who watched porn in secret on the inside.
For the guys, porn was a usual problem that was addressed often in Christian circles; but for me, a female, I felt like a freak. There were no books. No testimonies. No resources. I hoped for a lifeline because I knew I was drifting into a dark, bad place. I looked for safe people who I could confide in, but just when I was ready to confess, they would make a snide comment about pornography, and I threw my defensive, protective wall back up. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I also knew it was bigger than just a form of rebellion. I was being controlled and my mind was replaying images all the time. What started as a safe rebellion had grown into a full-blown addiction.
Now I Know
As an adult and parent, now, and 11 years free from pornography addiction, I recognize the importance of being a safe person for people, especially my children. I needed someone to see ME, not my outside world I had constructed. Even as adults, often we create this perfect façade—this outside person that others will like way better than our inside flawed person. We hide who we really are, and we hide our struggles. I don’t want my children to hide their world. This is not what God intended. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (CSB).
I was that teenager and young adult who waited for a decade to hear a story of redemption from pornography.
We must share our lives with our children and others and offer the hope, freedom, and peace that God has given us to the ones around us. We must share our struggles and hurts, no matter how shameful, for in so doing, we could help set someone else free. I was that teenager and young adult who waited for a decade to hear a story of redemption from pornography. Now, I share my story for the one—the one who is trapped in their self-made cavern of sin. I also share my story for you, the parent, so you can understand the conflicting feelings your teen may be experiencing. We must stop hiding and become those safe people to the hurting world around us. “Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!” (Psalm 115:1 ESV).
About the author
Christy Bass Adams
Christy Bass Adamsis the Outreach and Connections Coordinator at Fellowship Baptist Church in Madison, Florida. Along with her role on church staff, she also serves as bible teacher, camp counselor, small group facilitator, and a Celebrate Recovery leader. Her most important role, however, is with her family as a wife of 16 years and mother to two busy boys. She has been an educator for the past 18 years, both at the elementary and collegiate levels. For more from Christy, visit her blogs: christybassadams.com and hiddeninplainsight.blog.
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