Understanding Daughters and Pornography

I am super excited to introduce this guest. Jessica Harris, author of Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace, has an amazing reputation as one of the first women to speak up about her pornography problem – paving the way for other women to come clean. Through her website and speaking engagements, she equips women who struggle with pornography and helps parents of daughters understand this is not just a male issue. I admire Jessica and her willingness to be a leader in this area. I’m sure you will glean some great information from this article.

I first found pornography when I was 13 years old. What started as honest research for school, became a defining moment in my life. As I scrolled through scientific video clips, a dark thumbnail caught my eye. I clicked on it and stared in awe and terror at the scenes of violent hardcore pornography playing in front of me. When I attempted to close the window, more popped up. Within minutes, I was ushered onto a webpage filled with hardcore pornography, and my world forever changed.

I didn’t know much about internet history or covering my trail. So, after a few months, my mom discovered my usage. She confronted me on it, filled with panic and terror.

“What is this!? Why are you watching this? Who told you about this? Please tell me it was just because you are curious. Tell me you will never do it again.”

Embarrassed and confused, I told her I was just curious and that I would never do it again. I lied.

Instead of stopping, I figured out how to hide my time spent in pornography. Over the next four years, it morphed into a struggle that took control of my life. Every spare moment I had was spent watching pornography. It took me years to break free and even longer to undo the damage pornography had done in my life.

Perhaps this seems like a typical story. The major difference between this and other stories you’ve heard though is that I am a woman.

But I am not alone.

For years now, I’ve shared my story, letting parents (and pastors) know that pornography isn’t just a guy issue. Now as a mom of two daughters, I feel it’s even more important to share that girls are at risk of being trapped in pornography.

Here’s what parents need to understand about your daughters and pornography.

Your daughter can struggle with hardcore pornography

There’s a common misconception that girls struggle with romance novels and fantasy, not “real” pornography. This is not true. Girls, and women, can absolutely find, and indulge in hardcore pornography—pornography that is violent and degrading to women.

If I can find hardcore pornography on dial-up internet in 1999, you had better believe that girls 20 years later can find hardcore pornography. They walk around with it in their hands from as early as Kindergarten.

Recently, a good friend of mine shared that her three daughters (all under age 10) were using the family tablet when they got eerily quiet. She walked over to investigate and found that, even with parental controls enabled, her daughters had stumbled across pornography.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that it’s only your sons you need to worry about. A general rule I share with parents is “whatever conversations you have with your sons are ones you need to have with your daughters too.”

Pornography is a predator

As a parent, it can be very helpful to view pornography not as a bad behavior we engage in (which is often our approach with boys and men) but instead as a predator. Imagine it as the seedy character stalking the local park. It is evil, dark, and secretive, but it has tricks. It has candy and puppies and sad stories all designed to draw your children into its hold.

Hopefully, if you were out with your child and saw a person lurking in the shadows, you would be on guard. You might even warn your child. You might prepare them by saying, “If that person comes up to you, you say no, and you run and get me.” You don’t simply expect your son or daughter to know how to navigate; you steer the ship. If you’re like my husband, you might just march right up and confront the person.

The online world is no different. View pornography as a predator out to trick and trap your daughter, especially. I often say in my seminars that pornography is becoming so common among young women (one church found that 100% of their 9^th and 10^th grade girls struggled), that it is grooming a generation of women who will willingly exploit themselves. TikTok and other apps are filled with wannabe porn stars. As parents, it’s our responsibility to say, “Not on my watch.”

Pornography is dangerous and before you hand your child any device that could connect them to pornography, you need to have the “playground” conversation with them. It’s not enough to say, “Don’t do bad things” because pornography doesn’t always look bad at the beginning. You need to identify what pornography is, tell them what to do if they find it, and let them know they are not bad or dirty if they see it.

(For great books on this, check out Good Pictures, Bad Pictures and Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, Jr by Kristen Jenson.)

How to talk to protect your daughters from pornography

The most effective method to protect our daughters from pornography isn’t to lock them away in a tower with no internet. Instead, it is important, as parents, that we strengthen and equip our daughters to stand up against pornography.

It helps to think of it as less than “if” your daughter will see pornography but “when” she does. When she does see it, how will she recognize it as unhealthy? When she does see it, how will she know how to respond? When she does see it, how will she know it’s safe to tell you? Is it safe to tell you?

Refusing to have this conversation with her, responding in shame and shock, or threatening her if she ever looks at “that trash” are all unhelpful and unhealthy responses. Instead, build up who she is. Remind her of her worth and value and present pornography as a predator designed to destroy that worth and value. Believe me, I’ve been there, and these are not lessons you want her to learn on her own.