The purpose of this site is to encourage parents of teenagers/children who watch or have watched pornography. It’s meant to be a safe place to share our emotions and concerns, not necessarily a place to give specific instruction on what to do. I am not an expert on the ins and outs of the pornography industry and how people become addicted to it. However, after walking through it with my son I would like to offer a list of 11 action steps in the hopes I can calm some fears. Sometimes, in the midst of a traumatic experience, it’s helpful to do something.
Pray.
Try to remain calm (at least in front of your child). It is not productive to get angry or fall apart while conversing with your child.
Open a line of communication. As I’ve stated in a previous post, it’s important for your child to know you are on his/her side. The hope is your child will feel safe and comfortable talking with you and approaching you as you continue to deal with the problem.
Add filters to all devices/phones in the house. We immediately added Covenant Eyes to all our computers and phones. Additionally, we added passwords to all of the computers in our house. If any of our children need access to a computer, we must sign them onto the computer and then sign them onto the internet through Covenant Eyes.
Assess your child’s level of involvement with pornography. It will be difficult to hear and your child may lie (ours did), but it will help determine a course of action. Again, I am not an expert; however, it is helpful to distinguish whether this is a one- time event versus an ongoing addiction or something in between. You may want to search the internet for levels of pornography addiction to find a guideline. Covenant Eyes offers one in their “When Your Child Is Looking at Porn” guide. See the Resources Page of this site to find a link.
Discern your child’s level of sincerity and desire to quit. At first our son was scared into telling us. He wasn’t as motivated to quit at that time. Later, he recognized the stronghold and its possible effects on his future. That’s when he really embraced the program we put into place.
Establish boundaries. The rules and boundaries will be different for each child depending on his/her level of involvement and his/her age and maturity. Consider screen time, alone time, time with friends, whether or not to leave his bedroom door open at all times, and monitoring his/her bathroom use, etc. Also consider asking his/her opinion on what boundaries should instituted. He/she is more likely to stick to them if you consider his/her input.
Discern triggers and help establish healthy habits. Ask your child when he/she is more likely to turn to pornography. Give scenarios, such as when someone is mad at him/her. Our son repeatedly said he looked at it when he was bored. Based on this information we spent the first 90 days trying to keep him busy.
Research the effects of pornography on the brain and why it’s addictive. Numerous articles are available on the internet. The Resources Page of this site may be a helpful starting place.
Check in with your child regularly. It is essential to monitor your child’s progress. These are difficult conversations, but vital! One piece of wisdom we heard from a professional was to ask our son to abstain from masturbating for 90 days because of the connection between porn and masturbating. We had to ask pointed questions during this timeframe. Still do. We continue to monitor and evaluate on a regular basis.
Find a Friend. Find someone you trust and talk with him/her regularly about your well-being. If you don’t have anyone, please contact me through my contact page. I will gladly be that person.
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About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.
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