Celebrate Your Child’s Progress, Not Their Mistakes

My daughter, a senior in high school, stepped onto the javelin runway, determined to advance to nationals by finishing in the top six. This meet was the last I attended as a track mom.

I felt the pressure to be her coach, cheerleader, and advocate since her dad/coach couldn’t attend.

She had six attempts to throw as far as possible. Each time she stepped onto the runway and ran with her practiced run/crossover approach, I held my breath. The responsibility I felt mixed with the nostalgic emotions of watching my baby throw for the last time. The less-than-ideal field conditions added to my nervousness. In short, I was a mess.

Attempt one. In. Good.

Attempt two. In. Slightly farther. Great.

I turned to my son who was keeping track of her marks. “How is she doing?”

“She threw a personal record, and she’s in third place.” Hmmm. I hadn’t noticed. I turned toward my daughter and gave her a thumbs up.

Attempt three. Out. By inches. Eek.

Attempt four. In. Slightly shorter than the second throw.

Attempt five. In. Still short of her longest throw.

Last attempt. Out. By a lot. No matter. She had thrown a personal record, captured a bronze medal, and secured her place at the national meet.

Time to celebrate.

We stopped for ice cream to celebrate her wins of the season and her track career. I secretly celebrated my ability to keep it all together as coach, cheerleader, and advocate.

Expectations

As I reflected on the meet, I realized my daughter had four good throws out of six. A 67% accuracy rate. Two didn’t go as planned. But we didn’t dwell on the misses. We celebrated the four throws she nailed, especially the one that surpassed every throw she’d made before.

And yet, when children attempt and fail in other areas of life like academics, chores, and personal choices, we’re inclined to dwell on the failures and mistakes. Theirs and ours.

I’m guilty. I’ve set standards for my children and expected them to hit the mark every time. And when they fell short, even one out of six tries, I was disappointed.

I’m not sure when our standards for perfection start. We don’t expect a toddler to stand on their feet and immediately walk without falling. But somewhere between toddler and preteen our expectations take a sharp turn. We assume they’ll heed every warning we’ve issued and every instruction we’ve verbalized.

4 out of 6 throws landed. We didn't focus on the misses — we celebrated the PR and the win. Why don't we extend our kids that same grace everywhere else? New post on choosing progress over perfection. Celebrate Your Child’s Progress… Share on X

Our demands elevate if they’re participating in unhealthy behaviors like drinking, vaping, self-harming, or watching pornography. Our “wiggle room” for errors is narrower. For good reason. We understand the ramifications of walking down the wrong path. We know how important it is to “get it right,” to stay on task, to move forward. Because of the long-term consequences, we expect short-term perfection, watching their every move and analyzing each decision.

But they’re watching us too. When they sense our disappointment, they feel rejected and discouraged. When they read dissatisfaction in our facial expressions or body language, they believe they’ve failed us. When they perceive frustration or anger, they feel shame and guilt. These feelings may be valid, but our focus, most of our attention, should be on their progress.  

That’s not the goal. Rejection, discouragement, frustration, anger, shame, and guilt will not produce healthy behaviors. They won’t propel our children to perfectionistic behavior. We do not need to dwell on failures or missteps, especially when our children are progressing, no matter what pace.

Celebrate Progress

In the life of a javelin thrower, four “inbound” throws out of six attempts is a good day. If one of those is a personal record, it’s a great day. In the life of someone struggling with unhealthy choices, a day of saying “no” to temptations could be a good day, even if they stumbled the day before. So celebrate the wins. Notice the progress. Pay attention to their attitude. Observe their desire to stay on the right path. And encourage them the next time they falter. Remind them of how far they’ve come. Tell them how proud you are.

Celebrate your own progress. When you bite your tongue instead of lashing out, consider it a step in a positive direction. When you forget to check your child’s screen time one out of ten days, remind yourself that you achieved your goal nine out of ten times. And that’s cause for rejoicing.

When you stand up for your child and your actions appear fruitless or ineffective, celebrate your willingness to be your child’s advocate, and to cheer and support them. Who knows? They might be grateful you stood up for them and stood by them—whether they say it out loud or not.

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