One night I heard my husband slip out of bed and leave our bedroom at 4 a.m. A few minutes later I got up and opened the door to our room to see what he was doing. He was sitting on the couch with his computer in his lap. I glanced at the screen and saw he was reading email. I wondered why he was up at night.
There was a time when my husband was regularly up in the middle of the night for several hours. He had trouble sleeping and spent that time reading the Bible, reading his email, and surfing social media. Nothing incriminating. Although I didn’t like it, I was used to it and hadn’t questioned his motives for years. But he hadn’t been up at night in a while.
After my son confessed his addiction, we analyzed our sleep patterns. My son was getting up at night to secretly look at pornography. He claimed he couldn’t sleep and was bored. Of course, his body was used to the surge of dopamine, and his sleep pattern was suffering. As part of my son’s recovery we all agreed to stay in bed after bedtime. If we had trouble falling asleep, we would lay there. If we awakened in the night, we would stay in bed. There were relaxation techniques we discussed, along with other methods of quieting our brain, but my point is that our goal was to re-program our brains to stay asleep at night. And it worked. Both my husband and son have slept through the night with few exceptions for a few years now.
Trigger
When my husband got up the other night, it triggered some negative memories. Years ago I was in a relationship with a man who watched pornographic videos after I went to bed. I woke up one night and caught him. Those memories, coupled with my son’s previous behaviors, cause me to get anxious when I hear people walking around in the middle of the night. It’s always there in the back of my mind. What’s going on out there? Why is he up?
This particular night, rational thoughts were out the window. There’s something about waking up in the dark and being confused about your surroundings. My mind started racing. After taking a peak at my husband’s activity, I eventually fell back asleep; but I was still on edge after my alarm woke me. It’s been a while since I’ve allowed my irrational thoughts to run wild, but they had freedom that morning. Part of me was still accusing my poor, innocent husband. The other part of me knew I was not thinking clearly. To relieve my anxiety, I checked the filtering history on his device. Then I asked to see his computer and checked through his open windows, etc. He had a bewildered look on his face but knows me well enough to comply with my requests without question.
Confession
After I was convinced there was no evidence to convict him, I confessed my concerns and illogical thoughts. I had even taken this fantasy scenario so far in my head I wondered if my parents would let me and the kids move back in with them. (Oddly, I was not emotional. I was just working through all my options.) My husband calmly listened. I think he’s used to my uneasiness and distrustful side. He is man enough to know it’s not about him. He has done nothing wrong. It’s about me and the life I have lived.
My husband told me he had gotten up before his alarm clock because his back hurt. He put ice on it to alleviate the pain. Oh.
I felt relieved . . . and stupid. Momentarily. But then I was thankful for the space to express my concerns, no matter how crazy they seemed. Voicing my apprehensions out loud eliminated my uneasiness and allowed me to put it out of my mind.
I am so grateful for my husband’s understanding and support. He listens to me in an attempt to comprehend more fully who I am. He treats me with respect and love. He reminds me who I am in Christ and eases my concerns by telling me, as many times as I need to hear, he is not tempted by pornography and will not allow it in the house. He tells me he loves me.
I pray you have someone who will listen to you when the things that keep you up at night get the best of you. As I learn to trust more and not give my irrational thoughts space to run, I pray you, also, will trust more and know when your thoughts are based on irrational fears.
What’s your story? What keeps you up at night? I hope this is a safe place for you to communicate with me and others. What topic would you like me to cover? How can I offer support to you? Comment below . . . anonymously if you prefer. Or send me an email via the contact page. And be sure to subscribe so you know when the next blog post is available.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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