“I keep trying to hold back the anger I’m feeling.” Susan’s lower lip quivered. We sat on my back porch drinking coffee and watching the sunset. This wasn’t the first conversation we’d had about her child’s porn use.
She leaned in and whispered, “I know I shouldn’t be angry.”
I looked her in the eye. “I don’t think that’s true. Of course, you’re angry. That’s a perfectly acceptable response to the situation in your home.”
“Really? You think so?”
I considered her question.
A dog barked in the neighbor’s yard. The sky faded from orange to pink.
I reached out and covered her hand with mine. “Yes. You’ve had a traumatic experience. You found out your world isn’t as it seemed. I was angry when I found out David was lying to me and watching pornography on a regular basis.”
“You were?”
“Yes. I was angry for so many reasons, and at so many people, not just David. Then I felt guilty for being angry. So I understand what you’re saying. But, stuffing your anger or pretending it doesn’t exist only allows the anger to simmer and become more powerful in your life. That’s not healthy. It’s important to acknowledge the anger so you can deal with it.”
Her shoulders dropped and she smiled. “Thank you.”
Anger is Normal
Anger is a normal, natural response to an unexpected life event. But if left unattended, it will fester and permeate our wellbeing, like an untreated infection.
Anger is one of the stages of grief, sometimes surfacing long after we hear of our child’s porn use. Anger can also be used as a defense mechanism—like a wall erected to protect ourselves. It’s meant to mask our fear, sadness, anxiety, pain or other emotions and keep us from being hurt again. Unfortunately, it’s a poor shield. Using anger won’t deflect the daggers.
Here are a few pointers to treat anger:
- Acknowledge the anger. Ignoring or pretending will not help. Neither will stuffing. Analyze your behavior. If you feel anxious, jumpy or snip at people more than usual, look beneath the surface and see if the underlying cause is anger. If you catch yourself biting your tongue more than normal, you may be experiencing anger. If you yell at or sense an irrational anger toward a stranger, co-worker, or acquaintance, your anger at your home situation may be seeping into other areas of your life.
- Pinpoint who you are angry with and why. When evaluating a child’s porn use, recognize that the act of watching pornography is only one layer to the complex situation. When I learned of my son’s porn use, I was definitely angry at him for watching porn, but I was angrier with his lying and betrayal. It took me a while to figure this out. Additionally, I was angry with my husband, God, and the porn industry. Telling myself I shouldn’t be angry at these people was counterproductive. No matter how irrational it was to be angry at God, for example, I had to acknowledge its presence so I could process it and heal.
- Process. Forgive. From a biblical standpoint, forgiving is coming into agreement with God that the wrongful actions performed against you have been paid for by Jesus. Spend time considering who hurt you and to what extent. I examined each offense and recognized how it hurt me and affected the rest of my life. Then I prayerfully forgave each person listed in my previous point. I even told God why I was mad at Him. As I released each person from their responsibility and sought God’s forgiveness for my part in David’s addiction, my anger toward God disappeared.
- Let go. While analyzing and processing, I saw areas in which my expectations for myself and those around me were too high. Some of my anger stemmed from fear, but some resulted from a desire to control my life. When it was obvious I could not control my circumstances or those of my son, I became angry. I owned up to my part (high expectations and holding my child accountable to those standards) and let go of the areas I could not control. This exercise frees us from the anger arising from our child’s porn use.
- Re-direct. Injustice should anger us enough to want to change the world. Righteous anger, when harnessed properly, will transform us and inspire us to make a difference. Be angry enough at the porn industry and a society which tolerates pornography to talk about it, take a stand, and possibly get involved politically or by supporting organizations. (These actions may need to wait until after you have healed, but I hope you find yourself taking action at some point.) Be angry, but direct the anger in the right places. Be angry, but don’t respond in anger or with aggressive actions. Respond in love and from a place of sadness, anguish, and compassion for the harassed and helpless. I write this blog and Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships because of my son’s addiction. I hope to make a difference in your life, other parents’ lives, and the lives of the future generation.
Are you angry with your child’s porn use? Are you ready to acknowledge it and process through it?
What is your why? How will you affect the world now or in the future?
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About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.