I’m so excited to introduce Melody Bergman. I met Melody about six months ago and was immediately drawn to her beautiful smile and upbeat attitude. Melody is a fellow mom working to fight against pornography and its draw, especially in this new climate of digital parenting. She’s worked in this arena for years and knows her stuff. I love her writing style. I was hooked at the first paragraph of this piece and couldn’t stop reading until the end. I hope you find her words of wisdom encouraging and supportive.
Dim the lights. Here comes Mom, walking into a silent room where everyone’s faces are lit by the glow of little screens. The TV is on, but no one is watching. Handheld devices click and ping through the darkness. Mom starts talking, but no one hears. They are totally absorbed.
Does this sound familiar?
Let’s be honest. Digital parenting is a lonely business. And in the middle of a pandemic, it’s downright alienating.
I mean, have you ever spent so much time in close quarters with your kids and yet felt so far away from each other? Maybe I’m going out on a limb here, but that’s how I’m feeling!
As mothers in the digital age we are overwhelmed enough trying to gauge screen time, balance dozens of devices, regulate peer pressure (“but all my friends have a smartphone!) … not to mention COVID-19, which has put everything digital on steroids. I swear, I spend more time Zooming these days than I ever spent with real people last year at this time.
How are we supposed to know how to be good parents in all this mess? Where is the manual?
In the wake of all this fear and uncertainty, believe it or not, resources regarding screen time and digital parenting are everywhere. In fact, a Google search for “digital parenting resources” yields a cool 42.4 million results in 0.4 seconds.
We could spend literally thousands of hours sifting through books, articles, and videos on digital parenting and internet safety. But with so much information out there, it’s a little bit like trying to drink from a firehose, isn’t it? Where do we even begin?
With a problem and solution that are both so overwhelming, it’s enough to make a mama run screaming through the streets!
Digital Parenting
But you’re probably here because digital parenting has hit a new level of isolation. Enter pornography. As if it wasn’t hard enough to deal with it all, now you have the stigma of inappropriate content in your home. And along with it comes major trauma to both you and your child.
You may wonder …
Is my kid the only one struggling with porn?
Why aren’t the ideas in these parenting articles working for my family?
Will I ever figure out all these apps/devices/filters, etc.?
A Well in the Village
Psychologists theorize that in ancient times the men went hunting while the women gathered at the village well. However, The Well wasn’t just a place to draw water. It was also a place to socialize and discuss the details of life: housework, cooking, child-rearing, and other responsibilities. This process of socialization, discussion, and problem-solving among women became foundational to families and crucial to the survival of the village.
Many believe these ancient roots still dwell within the human psyche. As a result, when a woman has a problem, she craves community support, a safe place, and open discussion—just like she had at The Well in ancient times.
In modern times, we hear reference to The Village when people say, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Indeed, parenting has spurred communities—and especially mothers—to come together and form present-day “wells.”
In the physical world, playgroups come to mind. When my children were little, it felt natural to gather with other mothers at the playground to discuss diapering, feeding, and trips to the pediatrician.
But once our children have grown and our issues revolve around smartphones, video games, and even pornography … where can we go for regular peer support, open discussions, and personal interactions? We’re alone again. No well. No village. Just like the mom in the dark room with glowing screens. So many times, no one hears us.
Find Your Village
So what can we take away from The Well analogy? We learn what we need. We need support. And that’s where spaces like this come into play. We are here. We are moms striving to get through porn problems in our homes. And we can do this together!
I don’t know you personally. But if you’re here looking for guidance from the Hopeful Mom blog, then I know your heart. I know because I’m a trauma mama too. Porn invades our homes, and we claw and fight for our families and our children and some sort of “normalcy” because that’s all we know how to do. And it’s good to fight against pornography! Keep fighting! But in the meantime, I need you to pause for a minute and remember three things:
1. It’s not your fault. I remember the moment I found porn in my home. The stab in my heart. That sinking feeling that I had failed. That I had not kept my family safe. I need you to let go of that feeling and breathe. In case no one has told you, I’m telling you now: You didn’t do it.
No matter what anyone tells you, what the pain in your heart says or what the little devil on your shoulder is whispering in your ear … the trauma in your family is not your fault. Others made choices that led them there. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe it was on purpose. But you don’t need to own it. So take a deep breath, let go, and move forward with the things you can control.
2. You’re not alone. In our social-media-driven world, flooded with so many images of “perfect” families, it’s easy to feel like you’re the odd one out, especially when the porn hits the fan in your home. Even in person, who goes to lunch with the girls and starts talking about their child who has found pornography? Usually, it’s not something people say out loud or discuss in a public forum. Right?
So, think about that for a minute. How many other families around you are struggling with porn in their home—just like you—and just not talking about it? Probably more than you realize. Pornography is a pandemic all on its own, sweeping through homes and families right under our noses. Take heart in the fact that even if you feel alone, you are not! Also, I know a Hopeful Mom in your situation who would love to connect with you! Click here to contact Barb.
3. Take care of yourself. When was the last time you flew on an airplane? Remember the flight attendant at the beginning of the trip? He held up a bright yellow mask, and said, “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.”
Now, be honest. Do these instructions send a little twinge of discomfort down your mama bear bone? Of course! If it’s a question of our child’s wellbeing or our own, we don’t even blink. We’ll sacrifice whatever we need to take care of them. How many sleepless nights, worries and tears have you experienced over the years for this sweet child of yours—from the moment they took their first breath, through skinned knees and fevers, and every other difficult moment they have experienced? But porn is so much different than a skinned knee. We can’t put on a Band-Aid and move along. (I know you know this, but hear me out!)
Porn problems are often deep, complicated, and long-term. And that spells major exhaustion for a mama bear who is all in. So remember, “Put on your oxygen mask first!” I know it’s hard advice to swallow. But you need to take time out for yourself. Refuel. Try to get good sleep and nutrition. Read, relax, do yoga, or whatever recharges your batteries. It’s always important to do these things, but especially when we have a family member in trauma. (Adapted from Episode #1.3, “Put on Your Oxygen Mask First: Taking Time for Self-Care When Your Kids have Porn Problems,” Media Savvy Moms Podcast by Parents Aware.)
We Hear You
Are you still feeling like that mom in the dark room—emotionally isolated, alone, and unheard? I hope not! Take courage, Mom. You have a team now, and you will get through this.
Digital parenting might have its challenges. COVID-19 will probably continue to turn everything upside-down for a while. Pornography may be threatening our families. But we are mama bears. Hear us roar! We won’t just survive—we will thrive!
When you’re feeling alone, remember … We are your village. The trauma your family is experiencing is not your fault. You are NOT alone. And don’t forget to take care of yourself! We got this.
About the author
Melody Bergman
Melody Bergman is a blogger atMama Crossroadsand co-host of theMedia Savvy Moms Podcast by Parents Aware. She is also a mother and step-mom of three boys, a martial arts/self-defense instructor atDefend Yourself Virginia, and former coalition coordinator for the National Center on Sexual Exploitation. Melody has a bachelor’s degree in communications and 20 years in the field as a writer and editor. Her mission is to motivate leaders and community members to educate and protect kids.
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