Gone are the days of taking the silent approach. Parents can no longer afford to wait to educate their children about sex and pornography. They can’t rely on peers or nature to do the job for them.
What I’ve learned while researching the effects of technology on our children and their brains is mind-blowing. The world they live in is nothing like yesteryear. This fact is neither positive nor negative. It just is.
Unfortunately, the advancement of technology has far surpassed the rules, regulations, and information about that technology. So our children are now steeped in a world which many parents do not grasp. Some would say parents, mothers in particular, have blinders on. My take is that we just don’t know what we don’t know. But it’s time we found out.
Before we can educate our children, we should do some research.
Why Educate Your Child About Porn? Because our children are watching pornography for their sex education. What they learn is harmful and dangerous. #hopefulmom #onlinesafety #stopthedemand Share on XThen, we should proactively educate our children because, right now, porn is teaching them. And what they are learning is harmful and dangerous to their wellbeing. For example, an article I read last week shared that children age 16-21 are performing oral sex on each other before their first kiss.
Educate Because They Are Curious
Children are curious by nature. They hear a word or wonder what a particular body part looks like and search the internet. They find porn. By age ten or eleven, Google is their best friend. They are more inquisitive, search “sex,” and discover pornography. Porn now serves as our children’s sex education. No one is immune. If your son or daughter isn’t searching for it, their friend is. Then the friend shares what he/she has learned.
Children, preteens, and teens watch distorted views of what is supposed to be a beautiful connection between two people and believe these acts are normal. Unlike adults, who have experienced intimacy and have fully-developed brains, nine- and ten-year-olds can’t compare what they see in porn videos to reality because they don’t have a frame of reference. Therefore, they believe what they are watching depicts real-life experiences. Their perception of sex becomes skewed and far from truth.[i]
Kids watch dehumanizing, objectifying, and aggressive sex acts and become desensitized to the violence, believing it’s normal. Therefore, violence within real-life sex is becoming normalized. In other words, they believe what they observe is typical and ordinary, and they act it out—at an early age.[ii] That saddens me. And frightens me. And motivates me to motivate you.
Our job as parents is to educate our children before the underground world of pornography does it for us.
Nelson Mandela stated, “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” Let’s use this weapon against the porn industry. When our children are educated about its dangers, they are empowered to say no to pornography.
Personalize the Information
How much you choose to reveal to your children depends on their age, level of maturity, and whether or not they have viewed porn already. If you have young ones at home, start the conversation early—before handing them a device. There are several books and pamphlets available to jumpstart that conversation. (See my resource page for a list of suggested resources and services.)
We want our children to see us as knowledgeable and trustworthy so, as they grow up, they automatically come to us with their questions and concerns.
Why Educate Your Child About Porn? We want them to see us as experts so as they grow up they come to us with their questions and concerns. #hopefulmom #difficultconversations #parenting Share on XIf you have a preteen or teen who has been exposed to pornography, be as thorough as possible. Impact your child’s awareness and perception of pornography before others do it for you. There is no one-size-fits-all formula to these talks. Be bold and be ready to have difficult conversations; yet read the situation. Don’t overwhelm your children to the point they can’t sleep at night. It’s a delicate balance, one requiring discernment of circumstances and personalities of all involved.
My children and I have had countless in-depth discussions over the years, and the conversations are ongoing. The following are points we’ve discussed and will continue to chat about. I’ve touched on some of them before. Consider these when preparing talks to educate your children.
- The Definition of Pornography
- Statistics
- Harmful Effects on the Brain and Relationships
- The Link Between Pornography and Human/Sex Trafficking
- Triggers
- The Importance of Boundaries
- God’s Design for Sex
This list is not exhaustive. When talking, keep your end goals in mind and design a plan for dealing with future exposure. Communicate with the purpose of strengthening your relationship and becoming an expert they trust. By educating and communicating, we set our children up to be successful.
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[i] Hazardous Journey Productions, “Watch Our Kids Online: Porn, Predators & How To Keep Them Safe Online: Vimeo On Demand,” Vimeo, April 16, 2020, https://vimeo.com/ondemand/ourkidsonline.
[ii] Ibid.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
Such an important message for parents and grandparents.
Yes! Grandparents can also be actively involved in educating their grandchildren. Thanks for pointing that out. 🙂
Great Article. Checking into what the boys are seeing
Thank you. So grateful you found it informative and it sparked a desire to be proactive. 🙂