Your Child Needs Safe Enough, Not Perfect

I met Dr. Carol several years ago and have admired her ever since. Her sweet spirit is magnetic, and her knowledge is extensive. In her presence, you feel seen and heard. I’m thrilled that she’s back at Hopeful Mom helping parents understand what a safe enough parent looks like.

Your child has gotten involved in pornography or something similar. You’ve worked hard to keep your nervous system from going berserk. You may wonder, “What did I do to let this happen?” Some aspects of how you related to your child either now or in the past may leave you feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed, or sad. Some people tend to give up at that point. Others try to shift blame to the child, or step up the boundaries or controls.

But what your child needs most of all is a safe enough presence. They don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to be with them, to see them, and to care.

We know from psychological and social science research that a baby doesn’t need a perfect parent. That’s good, since there are no perfect parents available! But in order to grow into a confident, resilient, productive, healthy grownup who is able to relate well with others, children need a good enough mother/parent. That means one who can attune to them, support them through distress, and invest in repairing the relationship between them when it becomes ruptured.

And yes, you too need a few, even one, safe enough person to connect with as you navigate what may feel so challenging with your child.

Understanding Jesus’ Example

When here on earth Jesus needed safe enough people too. As a child He needed good-enough parenting. But remember that Mary and Joseph were not perfect parents. And as a man He deeply longed for and pursued intimacy with a few others – Peter, James, John, Mary Magdalene. Those very people would let Him down at critical moments, but He truly needed them and enjoyed them.

Jesus understood these three truths about relationships and safety:

• Every human being has or will fail those they love in some way
• Only God Himself is 100% trustworthy, all the time
• You can become a safe enough person to others

It might not be hard for you to believe the first statement above. But it might feel very hard to fully believe that God is worth trusting fully. Even if you intellectually agree, your emotional right-brain self might not “feel” it. Know that God understands! And He keeps inviting you to check Him out, to come closer, and see how He is different from people.

And you also may have come to see people as good-or-bad, black-or-white, safe or unsafe. You might try to connect, perhaps even jump into a relationship with “all fours,” but the moment that person lets you down or doesn’t understand, they’re your enemy. And you tap out.

Like Jesus with Peter, James, and John, we can mature enough to see that people are not all the same. And even the safe enough people are not Jesus. You need a safe enough person (or persons) to be with you as you are seeking to be with your child. When you get hurt, it may take some healing and grieving. But repair of a relationship with a good and safe enough person is possible, and brings the kind of goodness you cannot thrive without.

Becoming a Safe Enough Person

As followers of Jesus we are called to become more and more like Him. Everyone who met Jesus felt invited to come closer. Jesus’ goodness was attractive. His presence meant something better was possible, but Jesus was never harmful or condemning.

We can become more like that.

For you to be a safe enough person for your child it would include:

• They sense in their very being, their nervous system, that you are for them
• You are seeking to understand the world through their eyes
• You come to understand the impact on your child of who you are and how you are/have been relating to them
• You are making the relationship about them, not about you (your reputation, your comfort, etc.)
• Whenever you become aware of a way you’ve brought pain to your child, you seek to repair it

Does your child sense in their very being, their nervous system, that you are FOR them? Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a safe enough parent. Read more from guest Dr. Carol Tanksley here. Your Child Needs Safe… Share on X

To become a safe enough person, especially for your child, begin by soaking in Jesus’ presence. Let His nature saturate your own so that you exude love like He did. That doesn’t mean tolerance, but it does mean your fragrance is one of invitation and care. This is not primarily about your behavior or theirs; it’s primarily about matters of the heart.

Then with your child, be sure you are noticing. What would the world look like through their eyes? Through your words and attitude give the message, “I want you to come closer. I’m the place where you can deal with this.” By your presence invite them to feel seen and understood.

That can allow you to then offer deeper insight, guidance, and care. Stay alert to your own heart; deal with any irritation yourself before God if you need to. It may take time for your child to experience you as safe enough, especially if they haven’t experienced you that way before. And that’s OK.

Don’t give up! Research proves that a ruptured relationship may become stronger than ever if you work toward repair.

*This article adapted by permission from www.drcarolministries.com

Listen to Barb’s interview with Dr. Carol on her podcast here: What to Do When Your Child Is Struggling with Pornography