Three Truths About Relationships, Kids, Porn, and You

I met Dr. Carol a few months ago when she asked me to be a guest on her podcast. I was immediately drawn to her likeable personality. Carol helps others find transformation through Jesus from thorny issues such as broken relationships, issues around sex/sexuality, mental/emotional problems, and toxic religion. I know you will benefit from her post.

You don’t want your kid hooked on porn. You don’t even want them seeing it.

In today’s world that’s kind of like kids and germs. Well, sort of. Every kid gets exposed to germs, but germs don’t destroy a person’s soul the way porn does. But God put you on this earth in this generation to raise your children in the world we have today. It’s messy. It’s hard.

And you’ve got what it takes.

Let me suggest three truths about relationships, porn, you, and your kid that will help you understand your role as a parent today.

1. Porn destroys relationships

I’ve lost count of the men and women I’ve talked with who struggle with relationships, intimacy, marriage, and sexuality; it’s what I do. I used to ask them if porn was a factor. Now I ask what role pornography has played in their life and relationship. I have yet to talk with someone where it’s played no role at all.

Pornography is an equal opportunity relationship destroyer; men, women, young people in Africa or Jamaica, in your church group or living next door. Porn disciples a person sexually to make sex all about self-gratification rather than doing the hard work of relationship building. It messes with the templates in a person’s brain. I’m currently working with a couple serving overseas as missionaries whose lives and marriage have been nearly destroyed by porn. The enemy of our souls has worked overtime to create ways to destroy relationships, and porn is at the top of the list.

Scaring your kid about how porn can mess up their future marriage won’t be an effective strategy. That will only add shame and drive the conversation underground and away from you. But this truth can stimulate you to do the work of parenting in this area that you might otherwise be reluctant to tackle.

2. Your child will be or already has been exposed to pornography

Your child didn’t or won’t wake up one day and decide, “I know what I’m going to do today; I’m going to get hooked on porn.” The only way to 100% guarantee your child won’t see porn is to hermetically seal them in a bubble without human or digital connections to the outside world. Work to keep your child from seeing porn, but assume your child will see it. What do you want them to do next?

Taking extraordinary steps to keep your children from being exposed to destructive things is good. But a perhaps even more important role you have as a parent is to help your children know what to do when they face something, anything, that makes them uncomfortable, confused, or scared. Children are curious; that’s how God made them. Your children are sexual beings; God made them that way too. Help them understand what to do when something happens.

You want your child to come to you when they hear or see something disturbing or that they don’t understand. Research demonstrates that children want their parents to talk with them about sexuality. Become the safe place for your child to ask questions. If you shame them for saying a word they don’t understand or for asking a question, all they learn is “We don’t talk about those things in this family.” That’s dangerous. You need to have a 10-year conversation with your child (use PromoCode hopefulmom10 for 10% off) about relationships, sexuality, marriage – and porn.

3. Your relationship with your child is your biggest asset

Maya Angelou said, ““I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” That’s nowhere more true than in the relationship between you and your child.

Think of your own sexual story. How did you first learn about sex? Was it adequate? Was it helpful? Almost certainly what made the biggest impression on you was not words; it was what you observed between your parents even if you didn’t know you were learning about sex, or what you learned about dealing with feelings, intimacy, and relationships from what you saw modeled around you.

It will be the same with your children. As a parent it’s normal to want to prevent your child from being harmed. But what will make the biggest lasting impact on them will be the quality of your relationship. Parenting is hard, perhaps the hardest job in the world. But God has gifted you with what you need. You may not be the expert in everything, but you’re the expert in your kid. You won’t do it perfectly; there are no perfect parents. But you can do this. And there are tools to help.

A great question to prayerfully ask is, “Lord, who are You calling me to be to my child in this season?”

And then just do the next thing.

Your job as a parent is not to raise good kids; it’s to raise good adults. Your job is to work yourself out of a job. And that includes in the area of sexuality. Don’t focus on keeping porn away from your child, although do that with all the tools you can. But even more, focus on helping your child become equipped to handle hard things. Seek to develop the ongoing heart connection with your child that will have the longest-lasting impact on them both today and throughout their future.

Listen – to your child and to God. Be real. Stay on your knees.

You can do this.

Find more about Dr. Carol at her website. Check out our resources page for suggested filters to protect your devices, and subscribe below so you don’t miss any blog posts.

About the author

Dr. Carol Tanksley

Author & Founder at Dr. Carol Ministries | Website | + posts

Dr Carol is an author, speaker, personal coach, licensed OB-GYN physician, and ordained Doctor of Ministry.

She finds joy in connecting with people both here and around the world, helping men, women, and couples experience the Fully Alive kind of life that Jesus came to bring us - physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
She lives in Austin, Texas, where she gets to enjoy being Grandma Carol to four wonderful grandchildren.

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