It’s my privilege to introduce John Fort, my guest blogger. I met John at a Safeguard Alliance meeting and love his message and his heart. I read his book Honest Talk: A New Perspective on Talking to Your Kids About Sex and was challenged to have more direct, specific conversations with my children especially regarding God’s design for sex. The feelings charts, conversation guides, and activities in the book are extremely helpful. I love his direct approach and think you will find this post a great resource.
Explaining God’s design for sex to our children can be a scary proposition. Few of us feel confident with the subject, and many fear it may strain our relationship with our child. However, when done with empathy, these conversations usually draw our kids closer to us.
I received this testimonial from a parent who decided to talk with his son.
When my son was 11 I noticed he was becoming distant from me. I tried my hardest to do things that he liked, to draw him out, and to ask him questions but he continued withdrawing. A couple months later I looked on his phone and found that he was looking at sex. I realized he was trying to figure out the questions in life around sexuality.
Finding this made me feel like less of a man, like I hadn’t addressed these things soon enough, and that I’d let him down. I got the book, Father-Son Accountability, and we started going through it. As my son’s questions about sex came up I was expecting the conversations to cause friction and division between us, but instead it actually brought us closer together. He began to feel safe to ask the questions he had and confident that he could come to dad and not the neighbor boy or Google to get answers. It became a real defining moment for he and I and today we are actually super close because of those conversations coming out. —Jerel
Here are three conversations about sex that are important to include:
1. Sex is God’s Idea
Engage children in the conversation by asking their thoughts first, with questions such as:
- Where does sexuality come from originally? Who created it?
- What parts of your sexuality did God create?
- Do plants need to touch in order to reproduce? Do fish? Did God need to make humans reproduce the way we do?
- Why do you think God made sex work the way it does in humans?
- Are there any questions you have about the way God made sex?
- Why do you think it is hard sometimes to talk about sex when sex is a good gift God created for us?
It is not so important that our children have “right” answers as it is for them to start thinking through these kinds of questions. We can come back to these questions anytime.
2. Sex Bonds People Together
One of the reasons God created sex was to bond a husband and wife together. There are Biblical references to a man and woman becoming one through the act of sex. God wants people to stay together after marriage, and He created sex to help make couples want to stay together.
Biology agrees; our brains release chemicals like oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine when we have sex, which make us feel bonded to the person we are with. This makes parents more likely to stay together to raise children. Human children require far more care for a much longer time than any other animal on earth.
However, teenagers today may not view either of these forms of evidence as convincing. Young people today often view truth as relative and consider no source as necessarily accurate. Parents cannot count on either the Bible or science to act as proof to a modern teenager, even one who believes in God.
This is where your child needs to hear a little of your story. Teenagers usually do not dispute real life experience. It is your experiences with sex that teenagers are most likely to see as valid. You have experience with sex and know firsthand what effect it has on you.
Here are questions your teens might need to hear your responses to:
- Do you feel like having sex with your spouse makes you feel close afterward?
- What has your experience with sex taught you about sex and bonding?
- Have you had sexual experiences that did not result in bonding, and if so why do you think this happened?
Here are questions you might ask your teen:
- What do you know about the idea of sex bonding people emotionally?
- What purpose do you think God might have for making sex cause people to feel bonded?
Of course, not all sexual experiences are positive, even in marriage, but there are reasons for that, as we will see next. Teenagers need to understand that sex can be very good when used as it was designed, but can also be harmful when used selfishly.
3. Sex Was Designed to Be Selfless
Most teens are concerned about treating each other well and equally. Empathy for others is a big deal with modern teens. Selflessness may be a purpose teens can really resonate with.
Our teens need to know God designed sex to be selfless—an act of giving. God wants us to use our sexuality to give pleasure, not to take pleasure from someone else or treat them like a sexual object.
In discussing selflessness, we can ask:
- What does pornography teach about sex? Is it about taking or giving?
- When someone uses sex as a way to get pleasure from someone else, how would that leave the other person feeling?
- If we accept pornography’s teaching that sex is about taking pleasure, how might that affect other areas of our lives?
- Does pornography teach us that good sex is patient or impatient?
You can let your teen know that real sex between partners is nothing like what pornography shows, or if it is it is very harmful to one spouse. Pornography often depicts one person resisting sex or experiencing pain but then experiencing pleasure when the other person continues anyway. Teens need to know this is not what happens in reality. You know far more about how sex makes a person feel than your teen, and they are ready to hear what you know.
Selfless sex means being patient and waiting for the other person to be ready, even if that means waiting a few days. This means we consider the other person’s feelings at all times. Selflessness means focusing on what the other person likes and finding enjoyment in their enjoyment.
When sex fails to be selfless it no longer bonds but becomes damaging. This is even true in marriages. Adolescence is a time to learn to be giving and selfless in other areas of their life, so they can apply that skill to sex later in marriage.
Tips to Get Started
- Create a judgment-free time to have these conversations. Tell your teen that during this time nothing they say or ask will get them in trouble. Keep your word on that.
- Sit side by side instead of facing each other. It is far less intimidating to talk about sex when you aren’t staring into each other’s eyes.
- Have one conversation at a time, not all of them at once. It takes time for teens to process.
- Don’t insist on agreement, as that is not a judgment-free environment. Each of you share your thoughts and practice empathy when it’s your turn to listen.
- Don’t just talk about this once. These should be ongoing conversations.
I know these conversations can feel scary, especially the parts where we share our own experiences. However, over and over parents report that sharing their story brought them and their children much closer together. We should never be afraid to talk about God’s design, even as it applies to sexuality. God’s design for sex is good, and we can talk about it with our kids.
Barb here! I’d love to hear from you! Have you had conversations like these with your children? If so, how did it go? If you haven’t, I encourage you to pick one topic and talk with your child(ren) this week. Let me know how it goes. In the meantime, subscribe below and share this blog on social media. I’m sure you know a parent who needs to hear they are not alone.
About the author
John Fort
John Fort, MST, serves as Director of Training for Be Broken Ministries who help men, women, and families move from sexual brokenness to wholeness in Christ. John is also the parenting specialist at Be Broken, helping parents prevent and address issues related to pornography use and other unwanted sexual behaviors in children.
His background in biology, human health, and child development give him a unique voice to help parents assist their children to safely navigate our hyper-sexual world. Before working with Be Broken John was a high school science teacher for two years at Pan American Christian Academy in São Paulo, Brazil and a middle school science and health teacher for seven years in Oregon.
John is also a member of the Safeguard Alliance who are involved in reviewing, compiling, and organizing research on protecting children from exploitation. He is also a co-founder of the Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit, where national experts gather annually to discuss better methods of helping families strive toward sexual wholeness.
John also oversees online training for Be Broken on Pure Life Academy, is a regular blogger on CovenantEyes.com and ProtectYoungMinds.org and is the author of the books; Honest Talk: A New Perspective on Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Father-Son Accountability: Integrity Through Relationship, and the Forbidden Scrolls fictional trilogy.
John and his wife, Anna, live in Oregon and have two adult children.
One Reply to “Explaining God’s Design for Sex to Children & Teens”