I’m excited to have Kristin Cary here with us. Kristin is the co-founder of Living Truth, Inc. and she has a message for us on understanding how a parent’s pornography use can impact a child. Kristin and her husband, Michael, have a gift for you—two free guides. See the end of the post for details.
Hi I’m Kristin! I was in full-time ministry when my first marriage ended due to infidelity and sex addiction in 2006. My son was just 10 months old at the time. It felt like the pain would destroy me. Little was understood about sex addiction and betrayal trauma at the time, and I endured a lot of misunderstanding, shame, and blame. I was a single mother for almost five years, working really hard at my recovery during that time. An amazing Christian therapist and a recovery community that had walked similar paths before me were key elements in breathing hope and joy into my life again.
A Parent’s Secret Porn Problem
When a parent has a secret porn addiction, they will likely believe it doesn’t impact the kids. This isn’t true. Children of any age are deeply impacted by a parent’s pornography addiction, whether they know about it or not.
Children are deeply impacted by a parent’s pornography addiction, whether they know about it or not. The Impact of a Parent’s Pornography Use on Children #hopefulmom #difficultconversations #fightthenewdrug Click To TweetPornography re-wires the brain. According to SPECT brain scans, the more progressive the addiction gets, the more the addict’s brain resembles the brain of a drug addict, causing pervasive problems on multiple levels.
Porn can re-wire the brain to view people as sexual objects to be used. It depicts aggression and encounters with random people, instead of within loving, healthy relationships. Over time this changes the brains’ arousal template, altering the sexual preferences of the user to match what they’ve been viewing. Porn use decreases marital satisfaction both inside and out of the bedroom.
The security of a parent’s marriage is one of the foundational pieces of a child’s well-being.
It is not uncommon for kids to stumble upon a parent’s pornography. Often the child feels an internal pressure to keep this a secret so they don’t cause distress in their parents’ marriage.
Ramifications
Younger kids will not understand what they are seeing and are traumatized by pornography. Even if the child feels shocked or ashamed by what they see depicted in porn, a powerful cascade of dopamine and other reward chemicals are released in the brain, creating a magnetic draw for them to want to keep searching for more.
Teens already have a natural curiosity about sex. When they stumble upon their parent secretly watching porn or they find pornography on their parent’s device, they may feel shame about what they have seen. But they will also feel a powerful draw to further investigate this secret world. This can quickly lead to their own secret addiction.
When a spouse finds out about their husband’s or wife’s secret pornography use, the level of impact on the kids will dramatically escalate. Even if the betrayed spouse tries to keep details of what is happening from the kids, they will intuitively know something is wrong.
What to Do
Enlist support from professionals (like a therapist or sexual addiction and betrayal coach) to help you determine what to tell your kids. Validate your children’s intuition that something is wrong by acknowledging that there IS a problem in the marriage, which has nothing to do with them. Let them know they have zero responsibility to handle this problem, and that you and your spouse will get the help you need.
It is often best not to share information about the infidelity or a parent’s pornography addiction with your kids if they are young. Exactly what you tell kids will be based on their ages, maturity level, and what they already know. Asking younger kids if they suspect specific problems or if they’ve found any secret clues they are trying to carry alone can prompt them to share their heart, their fears, and anything they’ve seen. Do this NOT to include them in detective work but so they aren’t carrying secret burdens alone.
Invite your teen or young adult child to unburden themselves with anything they’ve seen or heard that feels like a secret without fear of getting the parent with the porn struggle in trouble. If both parents can get on the same page to support their child in truth-telling and unburdening themselves TOGETHER, this is ideal!
Ask your children individually if they are struggling with porn as well. Offer them HELP instead of punishment when they admit a struggle. As parents, we can help protect our kids by using filters and restricting their access to degrading pornographic content. Teens can go through Fight the New Drug’s Fortify recovery program for free. We recommend also finding a counselor for your kids to process what they are going through.
Whatever their age, emotional intelligence, or maturity, do NOT look to your kids for emotional support through your struggle with pornography or betrayal. Don’t ask them for help in seeking information about their addicted parent. Refrain from speaking ill of your spouse to your kids at all. Hearing anger or disgust expressed about a parent is extremely distressing, even to adult children. The ripple effect of damage can last for years to come.
Kids need to know that they are valued and loved by both parents and these problems are not their fault or responsibility. When kids see their parents proactively pursuing help for their own addiction or betrayal, they are witnessing a profoundly healthy example that will inform how they respond to adversity in their future.
Listen to The Living Truth Podcast at living-truth.org to learn more about the impact of a parent’s sexual betrayal from two different Daughters in the Battle.
Download your free guides, Top 10 Tips to Rebuild Your Marriage After Sexual Betrayal and The Path to Freedom (5 Keys to Quitting Porn), from Michael & Kristin Cary here.
Can you do me a favor? If this post impacted you, will you share it via email or social media? We can make a difference in the lives of others together. SUBSCRIBE BELOW for updates on blog posts and two FREE PDF downloads: 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn & Personal Reflection AND Group Discussion Questions for Sexpectations. Order Sexpecations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships for more in-depth information on how to talk with your children about today’s sexualized world.
About the author
Kristin Cary
Kristin married Michael in 2010, and they began Living Truth in 2013. They're both Certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Specialists. Their past pain has been transformed into their mission. They have the honor of helping restore men and women who've struggled with unwanted sexual behavior and bringing hope and healing to betrayed spouses. They live in Indianapolis, IN with their blended family of three children. Learn more about their recovery programs at www.living-truth.org.
This is a second marriage that just ended in divorce. He refuses to admit to any problem although it’s even effects the grandchildren. I caught his grandson trying to molest my granddaughter and then porn on his phone. I couldn’t understand why this didn’t bother him like it did me, now I know. I had to leave and now I need to heal.
Linda – Thanks for your transparency. I’m so sorry this happened. It sounds as if you made a healthy choice, and I hope you and your granddaughter are healing. Kristin Cary’s website may be helpful, as well as Dr. Sherri Keffer.