What is Revenge Porn?

I sat down with Candice Dugger of Bullied Broken Redeemed to talk about revenge porn. The following is a summary of our conversation. To watch the entire interview, visit this link.

Candice Dugger is mom to two. She transitioned her children from public school to home school after almost losing her oldest son to suicide due to horrific in-person bullying at school, cyberbullying, and game bullying at home.

Part of Candice’s mission is to educate parents about today’s bullying. It’s significantly different than the bullying we remember growing up, and it’s hard to understand because there is such a disconnect between the two. Candice says, “I realized how little help there is for parents. It’s always, ‘Go to the administrator or go to the school. They’ll handle it.’ When we did that, it put our son’s life in danger. And there was huge retaliation bullying to the point that he was terrified to speak up.”

Her story prompted her to start Bullied Broken Redeemed, where they talk about all aspects of bullying, including special needs bullying, workplace bullying, online gaming bullying, and revenge porn.

I asked Candice to explain revenge porn.

She said revenge porn is when someone uses pornographic photos (i.e. nudes) or videos sent to them privately in the context of a relationship to take revenge on the original sender. This is accomplished by uploading photos or videos to a social media site, putting them in private messages, or creating fake accounts and posting them without consent.

To further explain why revenge porn is considered bullying, Candice told me how she teaches bullying by using three letters: A, R, P.

A – Is the behavior aggressive?

R – Is the behavior repeated or have a strong probability of a threat?

P – Is there a power imbalance?

If these three exist, it’s bullying.

Revenge porn contains A, R, P. Someone sends a picture to another person believing it was an intimate act between the two of them only. However, the receiver of the photo sends it out (aggressive) to different people (repeated). An imbalance of power already existed or is created because the purpose of sending the photos was to obtain power over the sender.

In the revenge state of someone using content against another person, one aspect is sending it to friends or blackmailing them (saying they will send it to family members, etc.).

A real-life example of another aspect involved two teens. One was already bullying a young man. The bully got into a relationship with a girl the young man liked and videotaped himself having sexual acts with her while demeaning and talking to the young man the whole time, saying, “You would never have something like this. You’re nothing but a . . .” He then sent the video to the young man and a bunch of other people. It was aggressive, repeated, and a power imbalance.

Can you image the pain this type of behavior causes?

Sending Nudes

Candice and I chatted a bit about sending nudes, also called sexting.

I had heard sending nudes started in middle school, but Candice corrected me saying, “Fourth grade is now the new middle school.” The ages are shifting down. Bullying starts at age three. (She’s even had 7, 8 and 9-year-olds come to her with suicide plans.)

It’s helpful for parents to understand tweens and teens believe sending nudes is normal and acceptable behavior. They use it as a precursor to dating. Candice says, “It’s earlier than first base now. It’s like, ‘Hey, I’m over here. Want to get coffee?’” These nudes can become the fuel for revenge porn.

In addition to sending nudes, as soon as we hand a child a device, we open the door to predators and sex traffickers (a huge problem now) because they have access to everything. Unfortunately, victims of bullying are more susceptible to sex trafficking because the predator presents himself as safe and convinces the target to send photos. The trafficker then blackmails the victim. It gets ugly very quickly.

Based on this information Candice believes, “Conversations need to happen early – earlier than we think. There is no safe. There’s safer. And there are things we can do to empower ourselves.”

As parents we need to quit assuming that because our children are in our homes and in our care that they are safe. And the home school community is a huge target because they typically don’t talk about it or educate their children by having the conversations.

When Do We Start?

Start talking to kids about bullying at age three. With these young ones, frame it in terms like kindness, self-respect, body awareness, and appropriateness. Don’t avoid the conversations or leave it up to other leaders or teachers.

Let’s turn this around. Let’s be the safe place and not freak out when our children come to us. Let’s walk alongside our children and not punish them when they slip into these situations. Let’s inform them instead. Tell them that people may look and act like our friends online, but they may not be.

If you are looking for resources, Candice has health classes to help parents sit with their children, learn with them, and create open beautiful conversations. She equips parents with tools for healing and helps children feel like a hero and leader by empowering them.

Thanks for joining me here at Difficult Conversations. I’m so thankful for you and your desire to parent your children well. Please share this post on your social media so other parents are aware of the dangers of pornography, revenge porn, and bullying. And subscribe below to receive updates and a FREE PDF download “7 Actions When Your Child Has Seen Porn.”