My son is addicted to porn.
My son told me he watches pornography.
My son, your son’s friend, has a problem with porn.
None of these statements roll off the tongue. They are not proclamations I want to say out loud . . . ever . . . to anybody.
The day I learned my teenage son had been watching pornography, and it wasn’t a one-time event, I wanted to run. First, I wanted to run from life. Then I wanted to run into the arms of someone who would comfort me and tell me everything would be okay. My husband can be that person at times, but not this time. (He was too close to the situation.) I needed a friend.
But what friend can you reveal this problem to? I couldn’t walk next door and casually ask my neighbor for her advice. Neither could I call my best friend. Her son was friends with mine. I couldn’t even call a family member. I didn’t want to taint their view of him. Heck, I couldn’t even figure out what I thought of him. How could I do that to them? Or to him?
At first we didn’t even tell the others in our household. I wanted a better grasp of the situation before blabbering to anyone. But I also needed some reassurance. I knew that if I could speak it out loud, I could better formulate a plan to deal with it.
One Friend
Thankfully I thought of a friend–one I had confidence would not judge me or him. One that did not have any children that were friends with my son. One I knew was wise. And, mostly importantly, one that would keep my secret.
I hopped in my car, drove to the park, and called her. I am so thankful she answered. I remember hearing her gentle voice. She grieved for me and with me as I told my tale through tears. She poured out her love to me through the phone even as I felt my heart breaking. I can’t remember her exact words, but she gave me hope. That precious friend listened and spoke words of truth. She prayed and comforted.
Although my friend walked me through those first days of panic, she could not personally relate. Her words of advice were solid and her unconditional love and acceptance were life-giving, but she could not speak from experience.
Who Knows My Pain?
So I sought help elsewhere.
And I hit a wall.
It’s not like I could post on Facebook, I need a friend to talk with. If you have a son struggling with pornography, please contact me.
I kept searching the internet for help for a mom with a teenage son addicted to porn, but all I found were sights on how to help your son. Of course he needed help! But so did I! I needed help processing. I needed help sleeping. There were moments I needed help breathing. But I hit a wall. Again and again.
Photo Credit: Peter Doran on Unspash
So, I am taking the wall down. I might only be removing a small brick, but I hope to reach someone else who needs help taking another breath. I am here to say you are not alone. And if you need someone to talk with, contact me through my contact page.
Do you have a friend who listens and understands? Are you struggling to find someone who can personally relate? It’s a difficult conversation, but let’s talk about it. Comment below. Stay anonymous if you’d like. And be sure to subscribe to receive emails when a new post is available!
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
Many can understand from the perspective of a spouse, but to relate as a parent is different…and very much needed. It is an incredibly lonely position to be in, and the journey, daunting. Thank you for making this space available from a place of “I get it”. It helps to not feel alone.
Thanks for visiting and for your kind comments. Yes, parenting a child with a pornography problem is different than having a spouse with the same problem. I’m glad you found this site and hope you feel supported. I’m another parent navigated these difficult waters. I’m grateful to be coming out the other side and hope I can help you in some way.
This. This was exactly how I felt/feel. It is such a lonely place. I was afraid to search the internet! I was fearful of what would start popping up on my computer.
I really needed counseling but didn’t get any at first. I wish I would have sooner. Finding a friend is important, but sometimes more is needed.
I understand that feeling of wanting to type a search into Google and wondering what I will end up seeing. We didn’t wait long before adding filters to both our internet service and our devices.
Yes, I agree, sometimes we need more than a friend. I highly recommend counseling if necessary. I hope you were able to find someone. In the meantime, I’m glad you found this site. It’s important to know that you are not alone. There are others. We are in this together.