When my son was sixteen, he came to a crossroads in his life. His belief system surrounding pornography did not line up with his behavior, and he had to decide once and for all how to resolve this dilemma.
He wouldn’t have reached this point if he hadn’t realized there was a problem. That comprehension came through communication and education, sprinkled with lots of love from us, his parents . . . as well as patience.
While others played a part in my son’s decision to face his issue head on, we had stood by him, bolstering him while lovingly communicating and educating.
When we recognize the importance of our role, how we can influence and shape our children’s character, it gives us the energy and stamina to continue to be there for them.
Communication
Communication and education are key factors in helping your child. I want to focus in on communication in this post and touch on education next time.
I’m guessing most parents would agree that communicating with their preteen or teen could be better. And that’s an understatement. Hormonal teens are difficult to talk with at their best. When you add the additional strain of a porn issue, a conversation can turn sour pretty easily.
If you don’t believe you’ve earned a gold star in this area, don’t fret. You can re-group, repair and restore. Take an honest look at your relationship with your child. Analyze your communication style and work on areas that need improvement.
It may be necessary to humble yourself and apologize. If you mishandled the initial conversation, or any conversation since then, admit it. Not only does confessing break down the wall between you and your child, it teaches your child the power of an apology, levels the playing field, and helps reset the relationship.
How to Interact
Use soft words. Be respectful. Listen. Empathize. Remind your children how precious they are to you, how much you love them, and that you are on their side.
Body language is significant. Sit next to them. Show affection. Use physical touch and understanding facial expressions. Nod your head. Look them in the eye. Your child should sense warmth and a caring disposition in all your messages, whether through body language, word choice, or facial expressions.
The Advantage
You have an advantage. Children crave their parents’ love and acceptance. With few exceptions, they are quick to forgive and eager to please. They may display a tough, cold, and indifferent exterior; but inside they feel ashamed, inadequate, insecure, and unworthy of love. So, they may not express how much your words of love and acceptance mean to them. That’s okay. Keep loving them anyway.
A Process
Building a relationship full of trust and understanding is a process. Initiate one-on-one conversations frequently. Set up regular times to check in with your child regarding their progress in this area or other areas of concern.
Just as important, converse about subjects that aren’t as heavy. Find an interest you both enjoy talking about. Spend time together while enjoying a lighthearted activity. Interact while watching a program you both like, play a game together, or participate in an outdoor activity. Laugh.
Humans were made to connect. Communicate with the intent to connect, build trust, and enjoy each other’s company. When they bond with you, they are less likely to seek connection through pornography. If they trust you, believing you have their best interest in mind, they will listen when you educate them on pornography’s harms.
Next time we’ll talk about the importance of education.
Thanks for joining these difficult conversations. Will you join me in spreading the word about the dangers of pornography and the impact it is having on our children and parents? Please share this post on social media. And subscribe below for updates and FREE PDF downloads.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
Lovely post on ways to better communicate on ANY subject, but particularly the hard ones. Thank you for all you do.
Thanks! Yes, these tips apply across the board with most relationships and topics. So important to refine our skills as we go along. Appreciate your thoughts. 🙂