Ouch. My toes have been stepped on. And I hope the pain causes a change in me—and in you.
I read this on Collin Kartchner’s #savethekids website: “Smart phones and social media are the new drug of choice in homes. They hooked parents, disconnected them from their kids, distracted us from who is truly important, and taught us that “likes” = self-worth—and now our kids are modeling us. Kids need our eyes and our love and validation more than ever before. Showing your kids you love them is 2% effort and 98% just putting down your phone.”
Collin’s Influence
When I heard Collin Kartchner, founder of #savethekids, passed away, my heart hurt for his family and all the students and parents he has influenced in the past few years. His presence in the world of #savethekids from social media, sex trafficking, and pornography will be missed. His voice made an impact.
Collin Kartchner was a tell-it-like-it-is guy. He was entertaining, passionate, and blunt. I first heard him speak during the 2020 Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation Online Global Summit. His message was simple but powerful. Kids + Social Media + Fearful Parents = The Perfect Storm. Collin labeled smartphones as the most incredible porn machines ever, citing Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok as smoke signals for pedophiles. And he called us parents out. He said we were too worried about our kids being cool, rather than our kids being safe. That statement hit me like a punch to the gut. And caused me to pause.
Collin Kartchner spoke at churches, schools, professional conferences, and in communities, using his message to encourage parents and students to get off social media and put down their phones.
In his 2018 Tedx Talk, Collin explained his motivation for beginning his campaign. His 10-year-old daughter asked him, “Why do you love your phone more than you love me?” His daughter didn’t know he was sometimes reading email, sometimes working, and sometimes playing a video game. She just saw his face in his phone. He decided his kids would never see him on a smartphone again. And he pulled a flip phone out of his pocket to prove it.
Parents’ Influence
A parent recently asked me about adding more restrictions to her child’s devices. Her teen keeps circumventing their controls to watch pornography. This isn’t a new conversation. I’ve chatted with parents numerous times about filters, parental controls, and when it’s appropriate to tighten the rein versus allow their children to exercise self-control.
I get it. Each child has a different temperament, personality, and bent toward porn—or some other issue. We worry about their feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and self-doubt. We waver between babying them and letting them make their own choices. We wonder what age is too young or too old for smartphones with or without restrictions.
What will these devices, or lack thereof, do to their social status? Will they be isolated if they don’t keep up with their peers? Will they be the ones that plummet into anxiety-induced depression if we allow them on social media? And, if we don’t permit it, will they open accounts behind our backs anyway?
These are valid concerns and worth contemplating. But I wonder if we are asking the wrong questions and viewing this topic from the wrong angle.
We wouldn’t keep a pile of drugs on our coffee table and expect our kiddos to stay out of it day after day and night after night, especially when we aren’t watching. That’s irresponsible. Instead, we don’t purchase illegal drugs—hopefully—and we keep our prescription drugs out of reach. So why would we hand our teen a smartphone with no filters and expect them to resist watching pornography? Or choose on their own not to scroll through social media for hours on end? As adults with fully-mature brains, we have a difficult time resisting temptation, so how can we expect our children to?
Re-thinking Our Strategy
Let’s turn our thinking around. Remember we are “for” our kiddos. We are on their side. It serves us well to remember this. It serves our children well to express it.
Let’s consider the verbiage we use and the tone we take when speaking about pornography and social media usage, both while talking with our children and interacting with others. I often read that a child should be punished or put on restriction for breaking screen time rules. While I agree a parent should address the issue of a child who finds a way around filters and controls to watch pornography, I believe the heart of the matter should be addressed first. If a child is so enamored with porn they will break the rules to get at it, a bigger problem than rebellion may exist. So a different approach may be in order.
Rather than punish, protect. Rather than restrict, safeguard. Rather than fight, love.
Communicate with your children in a loving, understanding way. Get to know them. Ask questions that demonstrate you care about them as a person, not just their behavior.
And what about tightening internet access? Regularly re-evaluating our parenting style and boundaries is appropriate and necessary. We shouldn’t believe we’ve passed the point of no return.
It’s okay to go to our children and say, “I think I messed up by allowing too much freedom on the internet and social media. I’m going to put my phone down and interact face-to-face with you more often. And the most loving way I can parent you is by disabling some of your apps, adding filters to our Wi-Fi and devices, and having more open conversations.”
Consider switching out your child’s smartphone with one that doesn’t connect to the internet. The new Gabb phone is a great alternative.
Give Them Our Eyes, Our Love, and Our Validation
Collin Kartchner believed today’s kids are “amazing, incredible, bright, savvy, and tolerant, but they are growing up in a world that is muckier and scarier than we can imagine.” Let’s follow Collin’s lead and show our kids they are important by giving them our eyes, our love, and our validation.
What is keeping you from expressing your love toward your child? What roadblocks are you facing in your relationship with your child? What successes have you achieved in your relationship with your child? Share your victories and concerns in the comments, or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you.
Please share this post with your friends through social media or email. Word of mouth is the best way to impact others. Be sure to connect with me on Facebook and subscribe for updates to receive a FREE resource: 7 ACTIONS WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS SEEN PORN. Thank you!
If you want to learn more about Collin Kartchner, visit #savethekids or listen to his podcasts and TEDx talk.
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About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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