I just spoke with the wife of a porn addict. The writing is on the wall. The last chance was the last of the last chances. She can’t take it anymore. The marriage is over. She is sick of the empty promises and lack of desire to choose her over his addiction. She’s exhausted, worn out, done. She’s told him he has a week to get out.
I see this again and again. I read about it on various social media sites and websites. Women are throwing their arms up and walking away. Of course they are! I don’t blame them. It’s demeaning and devastating. When it comes to husbands and wives, there is no across-the-board right answer to the question What should I do. Some are called to stay and fight for the relationship. Others are called to leave. In the case above, this gal has fought for six years and doesn’t believe she is called to continue. I am not questioning her decision. More than likely, it would be detrimental to everyone for him to stay.
Unfortunately, some of the “advice” I see on social media is a little harsh. “Drop that jerk!” “You don’t deserve this.” “Leave him right away!” It feels a little cold and impersonal. These are genuine women with genuine hurts expressing their battles in a theoretically-safe place, a site or page specifically created to help those dealing with spouses of porn addiction. I cringe at the quick judgmental replies. What if the wife wants to work it out? Does she feel chastised for choosing that route?
What About My Situation?
I wonder what those same advice-givers would say if I expressed my hurts over my son watching pornography. Would they be so quick to say, “Leave him”? I hope not. Because, for the majority of the time, that isn’t an option. I cannot choose to walk away from my son or kick him out. Granted, if he were an adult I could consider it. But he’s not. I realize there are extreme circumstances where a parent may choose to send their child to a grandparent or enroll them in a rehab. But I’m talking about the choices most of us have.
So what choices do we have?
When we are exhausted, worn out, done, what are our options? We can choose to stay engaged. Or not. Our children need us. They need our understanding and our unconditional love. They need to know we care and we are on their side no matter what. I know it’s hard, Mom and Dad. This is not what we signed up for. I have days when I want to resign. This parenting gig is too hard. It would be easier to ignore what is going on, pretend it doesn’t exist, especially when it feels insurmountable. Yet, we are called to be there for our child. Let me encourage you to rise to the challenge and stay engaged. Persevere.
Another choice we can make is to keep a positive attitude. Or not. At times I’d like to pull the covers over my head and scream. Or I’d like to lash out at my child for not being better. Sometimes I believe it would be easier to walk away. It takes self-control and determination to face the challenges and choose a positive attitude in the midst of them. Let me applaud you, Mom and Dad, for choosing to remain calm. And I’d like to encourage you to try again when you fail. Our children get second and third and fifty-eighth chances. So do you.
The last choice I want to mention is the choice to lean into God and His plans for us. He understands our trials. He wants us to pray to Him and trust Him. He wants to comfort us. Allow Him.
What choices have you made? I’d love to hear from you.
Are there specific issues you would like me to address? What problems or circumstances are you encountering with your child? Please contact me or post a comment. I would love to hear from you. Subscribe to receive notices about new posts, and, if you are willing, share this site with others via social media or email. Thank you.
About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.