Our home is a Christian home. We try to adhere to Christian principles. We teach our children right and wrong behavior. We openly tell them not to look at inappropriate photos or videos online.
For example, when I found out one of our older son’s peers had been caught sexting, I flipped out. I sat my older children down and made sure they understood that type of behavior would not be tolerated. They assured me they wouldn’t be involved in anything of the kind. And I believed them. I trusted them. (Although, I’m sure the fact that I was alarmed did not help them see me as someone they could trust.)
When my son’s pornography behavior was coming to light for the second time, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t undo my mistakes. I couldn’t stop the actions that altered my son’s life. Actions that happened under my nose. I, again, walked through the shock and the guilt. I, again, questioned my past parenting techniques and how to alter them based on this new information.
I wrestled with envisioning who my child was and who he had become. I was sick to my stomach every time I thought about his addiction and mentally pictured what that looked like.
Eventually I asked myself, Is my son a victim? And does it matter?
I believe it matters. How I see my son, as a monster or a victim, will affect how I respond to him and how I view his predicament. It also affects the steps we take to help him overcome his addiction. It also affects how he sees himself and, thus, his recovery. I’m not saying he shouldn’t take some responsibility, especially now that he is older; but, healing comes through understanding how he ended up in this situation, forgiving those involved, and proactively choosing to turn from pornography.
I believe my son is a victim. A victim of the pornography industry that preys on children. And a victim of society. A society that says watching pornography is normal and acceptable and makes it easily accessible. Whether I see him as a victim or not affects how I interact with him, also.
There is no easy answer to this question. To some degree we are all victims of society . . . and we all have a responsibility for our own actions. Trying to mesh these two thoughts reminds me that we are all humans who struggle. Therefore, my son is not a monster. He is a human created in the image of God struggling to do life in a world that lets him down. And I need to stand by him through the struggles.
I encourage you to see your son or daughter as a child of God struggling in a society that isn’t perfect so you can come alongside him or her and help him or her through the struggle.
What are your thoughts? I encourage you to comment below . . . anonymously if you prefer. Or send me an email via the contact page. And be sure to subscribe so you know when the next blog post is available. Be sure to check out Sexpectations and visit the Shop page.
About the author
For more about Barb, visit the About page. For information on Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, visit the Book page.