Love is Not a Feeling: How Parents Can Model Selfless Love

Love. We dream about it, sing songs about it, and talk incessantly about it. We watch mushy movies hoping true love wins. We desire love in our own lives. But somewhere along the way, we confuse attraction, infatuation, and emotion with something deeper. Love is not a feeling, even though our culture treats it like one.

When I was a teen, my primary objective was finding true love. I knew the guy who would sweep me off my feet someday would complete my life and cure everything that ailed me. I would no longer be shy, insecure, or flawed. The ache in my heart would disappear.

A 1980s song by Huey Lewis and the News titled “The Power of Love” claims that love doesn’t take money or fame. The author says the power of love is strong, hard, and sometimes cruel. But it can save your life. The song also states love is more than a feeling. Ah, there’s the catch.

Love is Not a Feeling

It sounds like a contradiction. We chase the feeling of love. Yet love is not a feeling. Those butterflies in our stomachs. The flutter in our hearts. That feels like love. But it isn’t. In the classroom, we tell students that love may grow from the attraction or infatuation, but those sensations are not necessarily a reflection of true love.

What Is Love, and Why Is It So Powerful?

Among the many forms of love (the Greeks use multiple words to describe different types of love), the highest form of love is sacrificial and giving. This kind of love is not based on emotion, performance or achievement. It’s pure, selfless, and immeasurable. This type of love is motivated by the other person’s best interest and given freely without expectations. (Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships P. 77.)

As parents, our job is to model selfless love and steer our teens toward healthy, loving relationships.

Describing what love isn’t may help us. It isn’t temporary, selfish, possessive, or based on attraction or sex. Love is not a feeling. Emotions are fleeting and unreliable. Love isn’t.

Love Is a Choice

Love grows over time and is lasting and secure. Love is a choice. Think about the last time you were angry with your children. Didn’t you still love them? Not because they deserved your love, but because you decided, probably at their birth, to love them always. (This is a generalization, as I realize exceptions exist.)

How Do Parents Show Love?

Unfortunately, we don’t always express love to our children. Even when we say we love them (which I highly recommend), our actions sometimes speak otherwise. And while some children appreciate affection more than others, they need more than hugs.

As parents, modeling healthy love means more than words or affection.

A loving parent is available. They are patient, calm, and present. They care about each aspect of their child’s life and show it by listening, nodding at applicable times, and offering support. They know their child’s likes and dislikes and offer advice, encouragement and hope. They spend time with their children.

Connection matters more than actions. As a child develops and matures, a loving parent sets boundaries and follows through on consequences because they desire to protect their child. They understand these actions teach responsibility, self-discipline, and self-control. And parents model forgiveness and reconciliation because the bond between them takes priority.

Love is not a feeling, even though our culture treats it like one. Love is a choice. Love is Not a Feeling: How Parents Can Model Selfless Love #healthyrelationships #reallove Share on X

Why Loving Parents Matter

Most parents want their children to succeed as adults. Admittedly, some children (teens!) are easier to love than others. However, our job is to care for them and love them the best we can. And there are benefits to loving our children well.

“Love … plays a significant role in brain health and cognitive function. Scientific research has shown that love positively impacts brain chemistry, reducing stress, enhancing memory, and promoting long-term well-being. … Love optimizes brain function and contributes to overall mental and emotional health.” (https://www.inlebrainfitinstitute.com/blog/the-powerful-impact-of-love-on-the-brain-and-its-role-in-optimizing-brain-function)

People who know they are loved are more secure and stable because they feel safe. Their confidence helps them connect with others. They understand their self-worth, which makes them less vulnerable to manipulation. They are offended less and willing to offer their thoughts without apprehension.

Teens who grow up experiencing consistent, selfless love are better equipped to form healthy relationships as adults.

As parents, we hope that as we interact with our children, they learn techniques that help in future relationships. Thankfully, we don’t have to be perfect to show love. And we can continue to grow in this area ourselves.

Connecting With Your Child

When teens understand that love is not a feeling, but a steady presence and deliberate choice, they learn what healthy love looks like, both now and in future relationships.

Connect with your child this week. Learn their love language, spend time together over a meal or schedule an outing. Show love. Whatever you choose, be intentional. Your relationship is worth the effort.

Subscribe to receive TWO FREE downloadable PDFs, and connect with Hopeful Mom on FB and IG.