Teaching Teens Healthy Boundaries in Dating

“Will you go with me?” the boy asked. I was in fifth grade and didn’t recognize the phrase used at the time to ask someone to be his girlfriend. (Think 1980s.)

Wide-eyed, I said, “Go where?”

As his real question dawned on me, I regretted my reactionary response but was too shy to backpedal and say, “Yes.”

This interaction started my dating era.

Between that awkward encounter and my first wedding at age 19, I dated too-many-to-count boys. Some relationships were short-lived, and some lasted for years. Each boyfriend, though, took a piece of my heart. Every time I was all in from the beginning.

I wish I could turn back time and tell that girl she didn’t need a boyfriend to be fulfilled. Her life was complete without a “plus one.” And when she finally dated, she could establish, communicate, and stick to her boundaries.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know I could or should create boundaries for dating and physical intimacy. And my fear of rejection kept me from saying no when pushed past the place where my limits should have been.

Dating Isn’t a Necessity

Maybe we don’t say it often enough. Teens don’t need to date. They can be happy and content being single. I know plenty of young adults who haven’t been in intimate relationships. They find satisfaction in their work, friendships, and family. They’re loving life.

However, most teenagers will date. Given that information, we can help them establish healthy boundaries around intimacy, time spent together, and the influence they have on one another.

Teens don’t actually need to date—but most will. Are they prepared? In my latest blog, I share how parents can help teens set healthy dating boundaries. #teendating #parenting Teaching Teens Healthy Boundaries in Dating Share on X

Intimacy Boundaries

It’s an awkward conversation. Sexual intimacy. Yet, talking with our children about phases or steps leading up to intercourse may help them understand they can choose to say no anywhere along the path. From hand-holding to kissing to touching private parts, there should be a stopping place. And it’s perfectly okay to determine where that stopping place will be.

Encouraging our children to set boundaries now may give them the permission they need to say no later. 

However, they must communicate their boundaries (with words) during the beginning stages of the relationship. This helps avoid the awkwardness of stopping in the heat of the moment. Upfront communication also avoids the possibility of sailing past a boundary because their hormones are surging and they’re so immersed in the situation they ignore the line.

Time Limits

Besides physical boundaries, help your teens define time limits for engaging with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Texting, snapping, phone calls, and hanging out can rob your child of precious time for homework, extracurricular activities, family, and friendships. These are all crucial for a well-rounded individual.

Sit with your teenager and discuss the following together.

• Decide how many hours per day they will chat online.
• Establish the number of times per week they will see their partner in person and which days (weekdays or weekends) they will meet. Clear, concise parameters help eliminate confusion and hurt.
• Set a limit regarding how long they will spend together in person and what time they will be home.
• Make a list of date ideas. Planning ahead is beneficial. Creative, fun activities remove tempting situations like hanging out alone in a bedroom. Brainstorm inexpensive dates like bowling, bicycling, game night, or going for ice cream.

Influence

Many teens are so engrossed in their relationship they isolate themselves from others and quit pursuing their passions. They drop out of sports or after-school organizations, abandon hobbies they once loved, and neglect family and friends. They also disregard red flags like their partner asking them to watch pornography or send nudes.

An unhealthy relationship can involve one person belittling, controlling, manipulating, or using passive-aggressive techniques to get what they want. Help your teens recognize these as lines that should not be crossed.

Healthy relationships allow space for each person to chase their goals and dreams. They support each other and encourage each other to pursue their own interests and friendships. A loving partner doesn’t press the other to go past their boundaries.

While these conversations may be awkward, reminding teens that boundaries are important helps them avoid toxic relationships now and in the future.

For more stories about my two weddings and dating blunders, read Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships. BONUS: The book focuses on habits of healthy relationships (including communication) and modeling them to our children. Subscribe for two FREE downloads and emails when new blog posts are published.