Sometimes we’re so focused on keeping our home safe for our kids, we forget they’re interacting with devices elsewhere – like at their grandparents’ (or other relatives’) house.
When my son was sixteen, he confessed to his father and me (for the second time) that he had a pornography problem. Through his prompting and with his approval, we added boundaries and safeguards.
New restrictions included locked down computers and no devices in bedrooms. Again, our son was fully on board with these regulations, as well as many others.
At home, these additional protections were a nuisance but doable. The extra steps were worth the time and effort necessary to keep my son from temptation.
A snag arose, however, when my husband and I planned an out-of-town trip. I was forced to engage in an awkward conversation; one I hadn’t thought to have before. Our children typically stayed with family members, and I had the unpleasant task of informing them that my son’s computer was now password protected. They would need to let him in. Additionally, I asked them to keep my children’s devices in public spaces during the day and collect them at night. I didn’t disclose why these new rules were necessary. Thankfully, our family members didn’t ask a lot of questions, and they complied with our request.
Educate Grandparents and Other Family Members
As parents, let’s not hesitate to educate grandparents and other close relatives. While we’re learning about online dangers and how to safeguard our children, let’s pass this information along.
At one of my online safety presentations, a grandfather told me he wasn’t aware of the risks I enumerated. He had allowed his grandchildren on their devices at night and was now considering updating his house rules. He’s not the first grandparent to recognize their home isn’t as safe as they thought. On another occasion, I was recording a podcast when the host, a grandmother, grasped the need for filters on her Wi-Fi when the grandkids visited. Yes! That’s the kind of realization we hope for.
Parents aren’t the only ones who need precautionary tools in their homes. If you haven’t talked with grandparents and other family about the need for online safety measures, put some points together and boldly jump in.
What should you include in a discussion?
- Remind them they were young and curious once. They pushed boundaries and explored areas that were off limits. In that regard, children haven’t changed. The difference is that now the “strangers” we were warned about exist online and have access to our children 24 hours a day through their streaming devices.
- Compile statistics of pornography exposure or give examples of local teens who experienced trafficking or legal consequences from sending explicit images.
- Explain your screen boundaries and ask them to observe these same boundaries in their home.
- Request that they install filters on their Wi-Fi routers.
- Discuss what to do if they find their grandchildren sending or receiving nudes, watching pornography, breaking screen time limits, or interacting with tricky people.
- Ask them not to keep secrets.
- Communicate that boundaries protect their grandchildren.
- Point them to other resources.
Just like updating rules in our home sometimes creates pushback, grandparents may face the same pushback. So, after agreement from grandparents, it may be helpful to sit with your teens and grandparents together to go over the guidelines. Remind your teens you are protecting them, not punishing them. Because you love them. Your job as trusted adults in their lives is to keep them safe.
And if the grandparents won’t adhere to the standards you’ve created? Maybe it’s time to limit unsupervised visits in their home. It sounds harsh, but your job as their parent is to keep your children safe.
When should you discuss online safety concerns with family members? As soon as possible. Don’t wait until an issue arises. Don’t assume this information is common knowledge. I didn’t know what I didn’t know until after I needed to know. And I wish someone had told me.
Help the next generation by informing grandparents and others about online dangers.
A Note to Grandparents:
Are you a grandparent wondering how to talk with your adult children about screen safety for your grandchildren?
First, let me assure you this conversation is important. As an informed and concerned citizen of society and a trusted adult for your grandchildren, it’s your responsibility (and privilege) to look after the physical and mental wellbeing of the next generation.
How you approach the topic depends on your relationship with your adult children and how receptive they are to your “suggestions.”
I recommend you first ask if they’ve read or heard anything about online dangers. Allow them the opportunity to tell you what they know and how they handle it in their homes. Ask questions using a curious tone.
As you chat, try not to imply they are parenting incorrectly or they are intentionally putting your grandchildren in harm’s way. Most parents are doing the best they can. Sincerely compliment them on something they do to keep their family safe.
If they’re open to it, talk about various online dangers like sextortion, sending and receiving nudes, pornography, human trafficking, and how social media leads to depression and anxiety. Offer to send them articles or books related to these subjects.
Tell them what you plan to do in your home to keep their children safe (i.e. filters on Wi-Fi, devices only in public spaces, limited screen time).
Ask them what types of boundaries they would like you to set when the grandchildren are in your home.
Thank them for allowing you to be part of your grandchildren’s lives.
Remember: the goal is to help children become adults who are physically and mentally healthy. You’ve got this!
For more information on healthy relationships in a digital world, read Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships. Subscribe to Hopeful Mom for two FREE PDF downloads and blog post updates. Check out the About page and all the resources available.
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.