A mom died. A mom of a 19-year-old girl. A mom who was unable to communicate for six weeks because of a coma brought on by COVID. A mom whose body just could not recover. And now a daughter left without a mother.
My heart aches for a motherless girl, barely raised. And I wonder about the last interaction. Was it full of flurry and panic as mom called an ambulance and left in a whirlwind? Or was she quietly dropped at the hospital assuming she would be home soon? Was she lucid enough to tell her daughter about the love that overflowed for her? Did she know they would be the last spoken words? That time was not on her side? Did she give enough, say enough, do enough . . . so her daughter would know the deep love a mother has for her daughter? Did she love fiercely? . . . Or will her daughter always wonder? What will her daughter remember? What will that lingering memory be?
And I wonder . . . Do my children know the deep love I have for them? I mean, do they fully comprehend, grasp, and appreciate my love? Do they get it? That they are accepted and respected and admired . . . by me? Do I love fiercely? Today, as my heart aches for a child, a barely-grown child, I want to gather my children, the ones scattered across these United States, into my arms and hold them tight. I want to look them in the eyes and say, “I love you from the bottom of my heart. More than you can fathom. Nothing you say or do can change that.” And I want them to believe it.
Memories for a Lifetime
We talk about death in our home. The running joke is that mom wants to die by being hit by a semi-truck. Quick and painless. And I tell them to celebrate. I’m not afraid to die. Jesus awaits. But leaving children, not quite grown children, motherless . . . now, that would be tragic. So, I’m not ready.
And, I wonder . . . if today were the day . . . the day the Lord saw fit to take me home . . . what would be the lingering memory for my children? What would have been the last interaction? One of anger and condemnation? Or one of love and hope? And if those last words were unpleasant, have I done enough over the years to communicate the love, respect, and admiration I have for them? Will they know I loved fiercely?
This battle with porn is long and difficult. At times, it’s trying and exhausting. In the beginning, as we struggled to understand our son’s issue, my temperament rose and fell. There were days I wanted to scream and yell. There were days I did scream and yell. I was impatient and irritable. For the first few years of our battle with porn, there were days when my nerves were on edge and I could barely hold my tongue. The atmosphere was tense. The exchanges were short. My words were curt. My body language showed disappointment and disapproval. I wanted to take my son by the shoulders and say, “Just stop it.” And what if tragedy had hit? What if, at that time, he had been left motherless? Would he have known that even though I was brokenhearted and depressed over his struggle, I still loved him fiercely? I hope so.
Offer Hope During the Battle with Porn
Parents, I know our children’s behavior causes deep grief and disappointment. I know we can be fixated on the ongoing battle our child has ahead of them. The constantness can be overwhelming. And it shows in our body language and verbiage. Our children see it in our eyes. I’m not downplaying the seriousness of this struggle; but, I am encouraging you to offer hope and communicate love to your child in the midst of it. Find your hope, encouragement, and strength elsewhere, so you can, in turn, show it to your child. Pray. Seek help. Talk with a friend. Learn from others who have been where you are. Then love fiercely.
In the middle of the trial, use words and tell your child how much you love them. Don’t let the daily in-your-face moments cloud the bigger picture. While you and your child endure the battle with porn, find a trait you admire about them and tell them you admire it. Notice an area of their lives you respect and communicate it to them. Do activities you enjoy together. Tell them, “I hope you comprehend how much I love you, admire you, and respect you.”
Let them know that, even if your last exchange with them is a poor one, if you get hit by a semi-truck while driving home from the grocery store tomorrow, they can live the rest of their lives knowing without a shadow of a doubt that your love for them was real. It was immense. You loved fiercely.
I have loved you with an everlasting love.
Do you need to evaluate your interactions? Are you finding it difficult to show your child love in the middle of your battle with porn? Let us know in the comments or through a private message how you are doing or where you need help.
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About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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