The average age of first exposure to pornography is 8 to 12 years old. Many preteens and teens watch porn for their sex education. They are curious and wander into unknown territory they don’t comprehend.
Our job as parents is to educate our children about the harms of pornography, just as we would discuss the dangers of running in the street, touching a hot stove, or taking someone else’s prescription drugs. Yet, it’s not as effective to simply forbid certain behaviors; we should also explain benefits of healthy sexual activity.
I often tell students, “We want you to have a healthy, thriving sex life . . . Not today. At the right time with the right person.”
To help with these conversations, let’s look at negative impacts of pornography consumption and advantages of sexual activity within a healthy relationship.
When talking about the danger of pornography with teens, include info about healthy sex also. Porn vs. Healthy Sex: A Parent’s Guide #fightthenewdrug #onlinesafety Share on XThe Destructive Impact of Porn
- Selfish – When someone watches porn, it’s specifically and only for personal satisfaction.
- Violent & Aggressive – Most pornographic videos display sex as an aggressive act. We see this in mainstream movies, also. Rather than relationships gradually evolving with flirting, talking, and numerous dates, things progress quickly toward sexual activity. In pornography, men hurt women. Believing this is normal behavior, guys imitate what they observe by hurting their partners. The partner doesn’t object even if she’s in pain because she also believes that’s how sex is supposed to be. Pornography teaches this. In her research (see info here), Heidi Olson, a Pediatric Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner, found that “anywhere from 1/3 to almost 1/2 of those committing sexual assaults are minors themselves.”[i]
- Demoralizing & Objectifying – In a high percentage of pornographic videos, women are treated like objects. This translates into real-life issues. Fight the New Drug says, “Research consistently shows that porn can play a big role in teaching viewers to consume people as products for their own personal sexual satisfaction.”[ii]
- Distorted & Unrealistic – Watching pornography distorts views about sex. When we open our eyes under water, objects at the bottom of a pool look different than they do on dry land. Our brain feeds us misinformation about those items. The image is deformed. That’s what porn does to our brains. It warps our vision of sex, making it look different than it actually is or should be. Additionally, explicit content paints an unrealistic picture. Healthy sexual encounters can be difficult and messy, not always easy. An 8- to 12-year-old can’t distinguish between real and fake encounters.
- Isolating – Shame, guilt, and the stigma of consuming porn isolates those who watch pornography. This can spiral into mental health issues, anxiety, and depression.
- Addictive – Pornography is highly addictive. According to The Freedom Fight, “The physical structure of the porn user’s brain is changed by prolonged porn use.”[iii] “Elevated dopamine levels in the brain because of regular porn use impair the ability of the brakes to stop. This is why it is difficult for a habitual porn user to stop watching porn even when he or she wants to.”[iv]
- Ruins Relationships/Families – We are created to bond. People who watch pornography release chemicals in their brain which forms a bond with the images on the screen. Therefore, they are unable to connect face to face. The relational component which exists in healthy sexual activity is nonexistent. Many addicts say they can’t relate to their spouse and they’ve allowed their addiction to take precedence over their families and friendships.
In discussing these harms with our children, we don’t want to shame, blame, or attempt to make them feel guilty. The pornography industry preys on preteens and teens; it’s pervasive and invasive. Our goal is to shed light on what’s been in the dark to help them resist and walk away. Talking about it breaks the darkness’ power. During these conversations, remind your children that you desire to help them with any issues they currently have or that arise in the future.
My hope is that the next generation will stand up to this industry and say, “No. We will not allow this to destroy us!”
Benefits of Sex Within the Confines of a Healthy Relationship
Sex is part of human design. Christians may put it this way: Sex is God’s idea. From biology to bonding, sex is built into who we are and brings pleasure, creates life, and strengthens relationships. Communicating the advantages of a healthy sex life is important.
- Selfless and Enjoyable by Both Parties – Each person involved thinks of the other person: the way he/she should be loved and protected, their emotions, their desires, and their physical wellbeing.
- Give and Take – Each person listens to and treats their partner with respect and understanding.
- Consensual and Respectful – Consent is important, legally and morally. We have an obligation to understand the law and the principle behind it. Rather than treating them as an object, each person views their partner as a complex human with thoughts, opinions, desires, and feelings.
- Bonds Two People and Enhances the Relationship – During sex, the body releases chemicals that build feelings of closeness, trust, and attachment. This is why healthy sexual activity can strengthen a relationship. In other words, sex isn’t just physical; it’s emotional, mental, and intellectual as well.
- A Positive Experience That Gets Better Over Time – We want our children to have a healthy, thriving sex life—eventually. At the right time with the right person within the confines of a healthy relationship. For some of us, that means we hope our children will wait until they are married.
Remember to end your conversations on a positive note. Remind them that your love is unconditional and you want them to live their best life with optimal health.
For more information on helping your children understand what a healthy relationship looks like, read Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships.
[i] https://hopefulmom.net/heidi-olson-pediatric-nurse-pornography-and-sexual-assault/
[ii] https://fightthenewdrug.org/true-story-my-porn-habit-caused-me-to-sexualize-everything-female-story/
[iii] https://thefreedomfight.org/health/effects-of-porn-on-brain/
[iv] https://thefreedomfight.org/health/effects-of-porn-on-brain/
About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.