The day I learned my son was watching porn, my husband and I were finishing a walk. We had recently moved to a new home and were enjoying the pleasant weather. As we rounded the corner and prepared to cross the busy street to return home, we saw our 14-year-old son standing in our front yard, crying hysterically, jumping up and down, and motioning to us. That moment is etched in my mind, a pivotal moment–the moment my mom-life changed. As my husband and I waited for the traffic to let up so we could cross the street, many thoughts swarmed through our minds. What happened? Was his 12-year old-sister lying in a pool of blood? Had someone broken into our house? Why was he standing there screaming uncontrollably?
When we arrived home, it was hard to understand our son through the wailing. I finally heard him say he had been watching porn. His dad didn’t understand his gibberish, so I had to repeat it. I stood in our front yard with the sun shining and the cars passing by. “I was watching porn. . . I don’t know, for about a year . . . warning . . . police coming . . .” I felt a gag reflex as I processed his words. We ushered him inside, through the house, and to the backyard where we could talk privately.
That was the first time my son confessed to watching porn. But it wasn’t a full confession, and it would be more than a year before we understood the whole story. That is if one can ever fully understand it.
We learned later the only reason my son confessed that day is because a bogus warning popped up on his screen stating that if he didn’t send money, the police would come to arrest him. At that time he told us he watched porn occasionally and had been doing so for about a year.
I am grateful that in those few moments after pushing down the “I think I’m going to puke” feeling I chose to remain calm, listen, and love my son the best I could. By this time I had been a parent for 20 years. I had learned, thankfully, that condemnation and lectures would not fix this Goliath-sized problem.
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About the author
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships and founder of Hopeful Mom. She’s a certified mental health coach and offers one-on-one consultations for parents. For more about Barb, click "About" in the menu.
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